LET THE COUNT DOWN BEGIN!

My life is so important that obviously I need to write about it and share it to my friends, family and acquaintances. Over the past few months a lot has happened. The Olympics where Michael Phelps did his things, my family and I had adventures, and I started preparing for my impending travels for grad school. 

There is an entire section of the internet and book stores dedicated to travel and how to prepare for it. The stress has probably given me my first gray hair. I haven't looked, to be honest, I don't really care. Gray can be really dignified and is really trendy right so I would "in".

The visa has been my biggest issue. I had to wait for my CAS.  

C -Confirmation

of

A- Acceptance

for

S-Studies

Basically it is the institution saying"Yes, we are having Sara come study. No, she isn't pretending."

In order to receive a CAS, one must have an unconditional offer from the institution they are planning on attending. My unconditional offer required an FBI background check. It takes forever. 

(If you need one by a certain date make sure you submit your paperwork at least 5 months in advance. It takes 11 weeks before you can even check if they received your application.) After my university processes the background check, the rest of the planning was fairly uneventful... until I had to apply for my visa. 

My school didn't email me telling me the required documents for my visa until two weeks ago. That in and of itself made me anxious. Most visas take a while to process. I complied the documents and went to the post office and mailed them. Upon returning home I found I forgot three pages of documents. The next day I overnight-ed them. Two days after that I had an email that told me I had the wrong type of return label and that I needed to pay for the online PDF return label. I wanted to rip my hair out. 

Today was a glorious day. I have heard back, my visa has been granted. My passport will be returned early next week. My airplane tickets are purchased. Hotel is taken care of for when I arrive.

 

I will be leaving the U.S. for the United Kingdom, where I will be living, in Wales, for the next year. I am so excited for this next adventure.

Feel the Void and Other life Changing Typos

I openly discuss the fact that I have anxiety. It causes me to do a lot of things that I internally smack myself around for at least a week, sometimes longer(depending heavily on what I did). When anxious I frequently talk too much, over state things, or take things too far. 

And that is my reality. It sucks sometimes. It is not fun questioning and reliving every moment of your life, analyzing it for hours. It is something that I look forward working through some day. And some days are better than others. For example, I am much better than I was 10 years ago, or even six months ago. I have tools I use them. Having support is really important. It is difficult to understand something that you haven't experienced before. I will never understand what it is like to be Black, Asian, Hispanic, male, tall or any number of things. And I accept that. I try to understand how someone is feeling though. An emotional connect can overcome most levels of misunderstanding. 

About 24 hours ago, I all of the sudden was in this mood. I felt empty. That feeling of something missing, like when you wear a piece of jewlery (a watch or a ring) and you take it off and feeling like something important is missing. I didn't understand what was going on. I was having a great day. I went shopping with my mom, I got to talk with a few old friends, I even ate my favorite foods. Yet I felt empty. I pegged it as a flare up of depression, which usually goes hand  in hand with anxiety. It was a nagging feeling, I couldn't figure out why I felt wrong. I felt off balance. And then it hit me. I wasn't depressed. Sure I had all of the symptoms, I was tired, kind of empty inside. It didn't matter though. 

I realized I wasn't feeling anxious. For the first time in months. This past year had a lot of stressful experiences for me: college, graduation, general adulting, failed relationships, my sister coming home from her mission, and many others. All of those are good reasons for being anxious, general life anxieties, on top of my normal elevated anxiety. It became a lot to handle. The first time of not being anxious made me tired. Anxiety is exhausting and it is my norm. 

I told my daddy how I was feeling and he said I should "...start something positive to feel the void. Then you can enjoy less anxiety and have something important to focus on. Remember you deserve good."

Many people go to my daddy for advice, with good reason. This is just gold. Learning to enjoy what you have is a life long endeavor. Some people learn contentment at a young age, and some people never learn.  Exploring the emptiness I was feeling was odd. Its like walking through a friends house in the dark. I was bumbling around, unfamiliar with my surroundings. Learning to be emotionally liberated is odd and uncomfortable. Accepting all of your feelings for what they are is scary. It is one of the things that make us human though. And feeling them, with all their potential, is a lot to feel. Learning to enjoy less anxiety was easy. After getting over the initial shock I just jumped into things. It was nice not to have too many second thoughts. 

I am slowly learning to be a better person, just like everyone else around me. 

Learn to feel your voids and life is a lot happier.

Facebook Rants and Other things I have Avoided

Over the past few weeks there have been major changes in my life. I started a second job; I quit that job. I quit my job at the hospital. And I have been trying not to panic. 

I thought I could handle two jobs, let me tell you. I cannot. I am just not made to do it. My anxiety level went to an unmanageable level. I had to quit. They were really understanding about it. It was kinda surprising honestly, but I am grateful. I would totally love to work there in the future. It was great the few days I did work there. 

The hospital job, has been some place I worked for the summer for the past six years. It provided most of my income to support myself and some school expenses. I started when I was barely 18. I worked my hardest every year.  It has been consistent and many of my coworkers were great. A few people could not let me grow up, they felt I needed their specific supervision. I am an adult, I am independent and I was very good at meeting deadlines and my job in general. 

I realized it was time to move on. And if I am being my candid self, a few coworkers kept reporting me as not doing my work. I wish people could stay in their own lanes and focus on their work. It got so bad that I didn't enjoy it anymore and I knew I had to leave. Work place bullying is a problem. If you are reading this, please judge people on their work and their ability not their age. Age is not always a reflection of experience. 

I will miss my friends at work. They are great people. I miss it, but it was a safe place. There was a lot of learning on my part. It has helped me become the person I need to me. At this point in life, growth and personal development are vital. Every choice I make matters. I need to stretch myself as much as I can. 

Another reason I left is because my University said I need 400 hours working with children, before I start my program.

 This solidified that I needed to leave. Up until this point, I was unaware of this requirement. Upon this discovery, the search began. After a pretty intense freak out of  

I made a profile for a nanny website. I had many job offers. It took some research and a few interviews.

 I found a job to be a nanny! 

I didn't mention all of this to anyone because I was experiencing like 5 emotions at once. 

I felt like my brain couldn't take all of this.

And this would have been my reality:

And there would be a lot of this:

People do not need facebook rants. I don't need to dump on other people. I wanted to tell everyone. I just couldn't do that to other people. So I bottled it up until there was some stability again. Keeping my mouth shut was a really good choice. It would have been a crazy roller coaster that no one else needed to go on. Most would think I was a train wreck. 

My ducks are in a row( for the time being). I am a happy camper. 

Obsessive Ruminating and Other Forms of Self-Torture

Ruminating is a verb that means to ponder deeply, or to chew the cud(like a cow). 

I have a problem where I ponder too deeply on things. I go from "oh the sun is bright today" to "wow, what if the sun exploded right... now!" and every other random sun related thought for a few minutes until I get distracted by something else. 

Valentine's day was Sunday. I love Valentine's Day. Yes, to many it is a hallmark holiday where people are taken advantage of to give presents they can't really afford and helps the rose, chocolate, and card industries. To me, it is a celebration of the positive influences and all the types of love (which I would discuss but that is a whole other blog post, which I did a few years ago here: http://lifeisworthadventuring.blogspot.com/2013/02/that-feeling-in-your-stomach.html).

This Valentine's Day was full to bursting with ruminating past relationships. It all started with the good moments, the thoughtful gestures, the adventures, the memories that still make me smile. All of those relationships ended for one reason or another whether it was cheating, lack of communication, or we just weren't a good match. Cheating in particularly, makes me feel rage. ( I obviously have strong feelings about it, and I have never cheated on anyone. Its sad that I feel the need to say that.) There are many hurt feels when I think about what I was responsible for with my previous relationships. It was eating me up inside for a large portion of the day. I kind of felt like a failure because they never worked out. I usually put all the blame on myself, even if there is no way it was my fault. 

I felt this:

Then I saw this:

And my reaction was this:

I have been well acquainted with fairy tales since I was little and I had never considered this. What if Cinderella had gone back and gotten her shoe and the prince had nothing to find her, and subsequently never did? Would they have lead separate lives and there would have been no happily ever after? Well that wouldn't have made a very good movie. And it is an over simplification to think that an entire story comes down to one pivotal moment. 

But that picture did teach me something else. Perpetually looking back will keep me from knowing where I am going in addition, to ignoring what I am currently surrounded by. I am currently single, like many of you. And this is the time I can use to try new things, adventure where I want to go without having to significantly consider anyone else. This will essentially be the last times in my life where I can be 100% selfish with my time.. So I decided to stop looking back so much. I will be working on me. And following my dreams: China, Wales and beyond! I will be getting an education. Right now, It feels lonely.

 

But I can appreciate the times when I do feel close, when I talk to close to friends, or create memories with  my siblings and the countless other things I can do with the absence of a significant other. 

I will no longer allow ruminating to control my life or to keep me from progressing. I will not reopen wounds, I will not wonder what I did wrong, I will not inflict blame on myself for things out of my control.

You shouldn't either. Here's to becoming emotionally liberated and facing towards the future. 

The Things I learn from Early Morning Musings

My day usually starts like many of yours. My alarm clock rings, an internal and external groan, and then the argument with myself starts. And it usually goes something like this:

Ugh! I am too young to be this tired. Why was a born a morning person? Why am I most productive from 7am until 3 pm? My bed is so toasty. Leaving would be really too bad. Maybe I am secretly an heiress and I don't have to work ever again. I should go back to sleep and call in sick. No you can't, grad school won't pay for itself and I know how much I dislike loans. Get out of bed...No seriously do it. You will be late and you won't want to do that. Wait sister________ is in the bathroom, I can wait five more minutes. 

Eventually, I do get out of bed, get ready, and am out the door quickly. Today I was up and out of the housing in 22 minutes. Hair washed, teeth brushed, dressed, lunch packed. Hoorah! 

I was grumbling to myself whilst driving, I have strong thoughts that people, especially myself, should not be awake when it is early and still dark. But traffic was better than usual and so I could just kinda do my driving thing. 

The thought came to me, am I actually tired? This made me smile, 

uh yes I was tired, its 6:41 am. I should be asleep. The best sleep happens from 4 am until 8:30 am. ( I don't know if there is scientific evidence for this, but it is my claim for not getting up on Saturday mornings).

After a moment of reflection, I came to the conclusion that part of me was tired, yet another more powerful part of me was not tired. In fact, that part of me was why I was up and out of bed. 

My body was tired, my mind was not.  

This has changed my perspective in the past twenty or so minutes since it occurred to me that not all of my has to be tired at once. My body is in fact tired. And it usually is. I have a Ehlers-Danlos type 3, hyper mobility type. It means that I have to work harder to function, I can twist and ankle if I don't think about walking on uneven surfaces. I have avoided other blogs about EDS and the support groups in general. When you get a group of people who hurt, who are tired of hurting, most of whom don't take the measures to make change it becomes a lot of whining. I know that they do hurt, and are tired usually, but giving up and sitting down just makes you hurt more. The best way to deal with EDS is to work out regularly and intensely, eat healthy and to make sure you do physical therapy exercises. Basically be healthy and you can live a relatively normal life. Who would of thought? Take care of yourself and you can be healthy. Most who have been diagnosed, unfortunately, do not do the things they need to in order to avoid the pain. 

In addition to EDS, I have Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome. It is an adventure in and of itself. Here is a link on it:

 http://www.ninds.nih.gov/disorders/postural_tachycardia_syndrome/postural_tachycardia_syndrome.htm. Basically every time I stand up or turn to quickly or change my elevation at all (going up and down stairs is a great example) my vision goes black, I would get dizzy and light headed and I would need to take it slow for a minute or two after this, so my body could adjust back and I could see again. 

All of this adds up to me using more energy to function as a "normal functioning adult". (Honestly I don't know what that means, I don't think anyone does). 

The mind is so powerful. Just look at any diet fad. Carbs, no carbs, vegetarianism, injections, pills or wraps. Most of the results are founded in paying attention to what is going into the body and making sure they are getting exercises.  I personally believe that our brains can make things happen that we otherwise would not be able to do. Our bodies can do amazing things. And our mind controls many of those functions. Our individual brains specifically send out all of the messages to the rest of our body on how to run. When I realized that, in fact, it was my body not my brain that was tired, there was a small shift in my psyche. My mind and brain worked together and woke up the rest of me. Brain power was used to rest my tiredness. It was as if I decided not to be tired, which traditionally is not possible. It was a great feeling knowing how strong I am. As a person who frequently feels weak I was excited to find one, even a small way to be strong.

Well that was my morning conclusion, what conclusions have you reached this week?

Here is to 2016: live aggressively

Last year, ended with a bang, a neighbors fireworks to be specific. And now is the normal time for self reflection. I don't need to share it with the inter-webs but last year was difficult in most aspects. Love life was traumatic. School was stressful and is now over( Woo!). I graduated from Brigham Young University Idaho with a Bachelors degree in Sociology.

This year will be a transition phase for me. I will be working at Cincinnati Children's hospital. And earning money so I can attend graduate school  in the fall. I have two options right now. I can go to Swansea University or East Carolina University. Both are great options for an education. I have already been offered a place to attend in Wales. I am waiting to hear from ECU. I should be hearing from them this month. 

Later this year, I will be flying to China. I will be visiting my aunt. It will be a great opportunity to explore a part of the world that I haven't been to yet. This will be a life goal met. 

My sister will come home from her mission from the Belgium Netherlands mission at the end of April. 

And I will start grad school in August or September, depending on the school. 

I have lots of goals for this year:

I am going to take control of my health and exercise four times a week.

I want to find a scholarship

Go to a grad school

learn to forgive

I am going to be emotionally open and available.

What are your goals?