Obsessive Ruminating and Other Forms of Self-Torture

Ruminating is a verb that means to ponder deeply, or to chew the cud(like a cow). 

I have a problem where I ponder too deeply on things. I go from "oh the sun is bright today" to "wow, what if the sun exploded right... now!" and every other random sun related thought for a few minutes until I get distracted by something else. 

Valentine's day was Sunday. I love Valentine's Day. Yes, to many it is a hallmark holiday where people are taken advantage of to give presents they can't really afford and helps the rose, chocolate, and card industries. To me, it is a celebration of the positive influences and all the types of love (which I would discuss but that is a whole other blog post, which I did a few years ago here: http://lifeisworthadventuring.blogspot.com/2013/02/that-feeling-in-your-stomach.html).

This Valentine's Day was full to bursting with ruminating past relationships. It all started with the good moments, the thoughtful gestures, the adventures, the memories that still make me smile. All of those relationships ended for one reason or another whether it was cheating, lack of communication, or we just weren't a good match. Cheating in particularly, makes me feel rage. ( I obviously have strong feelings about it, and I have never cheated on anyone. Its sad that I feel the need to say that.) There are many hurt feels when I think about what I was responsible for with my previous relationships. It was eating me up inside for a large portion of the day. I kind of felt like a failure because they never worked out. I usually put all the blame on myself, even if there is no way it was my fault. 

I felt this:

Then I saw this:

And my reaction was this:

I have been well acquainted with fairy tales since I was little and I had never considered this. What if Cinderella had gone back and gotten her shoe and the prince had nothing to find her, and subsequently never did? Would they have lead separate lives and there would have been no happily ever after? Well that wouldn't have made a very good movie. And it is an over simplification to think that an entire story comes down to one pivotal moment. 

But that picture did teach me something else. Perpetually looking back will keep me from knowing where I am going in addition, to ignoring what I am currently surrounded by. I am currently single, like many of you. And this is the time I can use to try new things, adventure where I want to go without having to significantly consider anyone else. This will essentially be the last times in my life where I can be 100% selfish with my time.. So I decided to stop looking back so much. I will be working on me. And following my dreams: China, Wales and beyond! I will be getting an education. Right now, It feels lonely.

 

But I can appreciate the times when I do feel close, when I talk to close to friends, or create memories with  my siblings and the countless other things I can do with the absence of a significant other. 

I will no longer allow ruminating to control my life or to keep me from progressing. I will not reopen wounds, I will not wonder what I did wrong, I will not inflict blame on myself for things out of my control.

You shouldn't either. Here's to becoming emotionally liberated and facing towards the future. 

The Things I learn from Early Morning Musings

My day usually starts like many of yours. My alarm clock rings, an internal and external groan, and then the argument with myself starts. And it usually goes something like this:

Ugh! I am too young to be this tired. Why was a born a morning person? Why am I most productive from 7am until 3 pm? My bed is so toasty. Leaving would be really too bad. Maybe I am secretly an heiress and I don't have to work ever again. I should go back to sleep and call in sick. No you can't, grad school won't pay for itself and I know how much I dislike loans. Get out of bed...No seriously do it. You will be late and you won't want to do that. Wait sister________ is in the bathroom, I can wait five more minutes. 

Eventually, I do get out of bed, get ready, and am out the door quickly. Today I was up and out of the housing in 22 minutes. Hair washed, teeth brushed, dressed, lunch packed. Hoorah! 

I was grumbling to myself whilst driving, I have strong thoughts that people, especially myself, should not be awake when it is early and still dark. But traffic was better than usual and so I could just kinda do my driving thing. 

The thought came to me, am I actually tired? This made me smile, 

uh yes I was tired, its 6:41 am. I should be asleep. The best sleep happens from 4 am until 8:30 am. ( I don't know if there is scientific evidence for this, but it is my claim for not getting up on Saturday mornings).

After a moment of reflection, I came to the conclusion that part of me was tired, yet another more powerful part of me was not tired. In fact, that part of me was why I was up and out of bed. 

My body was tired, my mind was not.  

This has changed my perspective in the past twenty or so minutes since it occurred to me that not all of my has to be tired at once. My body is in fact tired. And it usually is. I have a Ehlers-Danlos type 3, hyper mobility type. It means that I have to work harder to function, I can twist and ankle if I don't think about walking on uneven surfaces. I have avoided other blogs about EDS and the support groups in general. When you get a group of people who hurt, who are tired of hurting, most of whom don't take the measures to make change it becomes a lot of whining. I know that they do hurt, and are tired usually, but giving up and sitting down just makes you hurt more. The best way to deal with EDS is to work out regularly and intensely, eat healthy and to make sure you do physical therapy exercises. Basically be healthy and you can live a relatively normal life. Who would of thought? Take care of yourself and you can be healthy. Most who have been diagnosed, unfortunately, do not do the things they need to in order to avoid the pain. 

In addition to EDS, I have Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome. It is an adventure in and of itself. Here is a link on it:

 http://www.ninds.nih.gov/disorders/postural_tachycardia_syndrome/postural_tachycardia_syndrome.htm. Basically every time I stand up or turn to quickly or change my elevation at all (going up and down stairs is a great example) my vision goes black, I would get dizzy and light headed and I would need to take it slow for a minute or two after this, so my body could adjust back and I could see again. 

All of this adds up to me using more energy to function as a "normal functioning adult". (Honestly I don't know what that means, I don't think anyone does). 

The mind is so powerful. Just look at any diet fad. Carbs, no carbs, vegetarianism, injections, pills or wraps. Most of the results are founded in paying attention to what is going into the body and making sure they are getting exercises.  I personally believe that our brains can make things happen that we otherwise would not be able to do. Our bodies can do amazing things. And our mind controls many of those functions. Our individual brains specifically send out all of the messages to the rest of our body on how to run. When I realized that, in fact, it was my body not my brain that was tired, there was a small shift in my psyche. My mind and brain worked together and woke up the rest of me. Brain power was used to rest my tiredness. It was as if I decided not to be tired, which traditionally is not possible. It was a great feeling knowing how strong I am. As a person who frequently feels weak I was excited to find one, even a small way to be strong.

Well that was my morning conclusion, what conclusions have you reached this week?