Being True to Myself: Family Cut-offs and Meeting My Emotional Needs

Over the past few weeks, I have had so much change. My university is moving locations. My job contract was shortened by two months unexpectedly. Finding a traineeship in the Bay has been challenging to nearly impossible. The hardest thing I have done though is walking away.

Just over a week ago, I decided to walk away from my family. I was skyping my sister for her birthday. I went through a lot of effort to get a thoughtful gift. I imported her favorite movies in her mission language so she could practice and enjoy them. It was met with an okay thanks, and then I was ignored for the remainder of the 20 minute video call. Now, for the layman out there, this is rude behavior.  For me, it is normal. I have come to expect my contributions will be immediately shot down. That I will be categorized as the one who doesn't actually know what she is talking about and thus dismissed. Its been basically my whole life. The first time I recognized that being treated this way I was about 13. I saw that my friends had parents they could talk to, who supported them in ways they recognized as care. My family noted a change in me. I was withdrawn and angry. This has pretty much been my established pattern for the past 12 years: I come home excited to see my family. Hopeful that we can have emotive conversation about things that actually matter. Something goes wrong, for which usually I am blamed. Then emotional implosion. This happy hopeful beginning doesn't ever last. In fact, I track the amount of time until things go south( IE me crying anywhere I can be alone). The longest I have ever made it was 3 days, this past Christmas. My sister got married tensions were going to be high. The shortest was 45 minutes, when I came home to visit my grandparents this past summer. One of the cats got out while I was bringing my luggage inside and I was told if he died it would be my fault.As is expected, for any person at this point, I avoid the family.

My Marriage and Family Therapy program requires that I go through my own counseling. Originally, I was put off by having to spend more money, in addition to tuition. I have never been more grateful for a graduation requirement. For the first time in my life, I am working through the pain of my life experience. I have learned so many things about myself. Arguably the most important thing thus far is: some people just can't meet my emotional needs; they can't handle it emotionally themselves or are disinterested.  Either way my family falls into this category. I have been bending over backwards doing things to try to bring my family closer together. I feel like that stereotypical dorky kid who is so desperate to be liked that they will do anything so the popular kids will accept them. Unfortunately, this never happens and it keeps this vicious cycle. I refuse to keep this going.

In the back of my mind, I want that 7th Heaven(as presented in the show, not the scandal that followed) /Hallmark family; love abounding, emotional support and communication galore. Alas, I am the extrovert in a family of introverts.  All of the ways they have tried to show they care (which coincidentally is the ways they want to be shown they care) are the exact ways to make me feel rejected and unwanted. Our base needs are different.While this has caused me to have some serious and lasting emotional baggage, it is not inherently their fault. They are just unable to meet my specific needs. Once I accepted this, it made it very clear to me I needed to make room to be sure there is room for everyone else to shift. I don't blame anyone. In fact, I am probably a stronger person for growing up this way, even if it was painful. The moments when I have had the support I need have been the highlights in my life. Moving to California, I have found friends who fill this role for me. We don't even do anything that special. We talk to each other for a few minutes a day. Like an exchange of, maybe, 10 facebook messages, maybe share an article or funny meme, and then go on with our days. We usually see each other once a week at a non church event. At these events we do all kinds of things: watch movies, go hot tubing, shop, try new recipes, or just talk. They usually last an hour or two. It's not really a huge time commitment. And it isn't the time or the activity that matters to me; its the consistency and reciprocity of effort.

All of this being said, I have decided to take a step back. I have disconnected with the people I have the biggest issues with in my family. Hopefully we can get to a point where we have a functional and mutually positive relationship.

This year I am determined to take care of my emotional health above all else. I know what I need and deserve to have emotionally. Why should I settle for anything else?

So I am going to:

• Rest when I need it. 
• I will be eating my veggies
• Making sure I get a lot of sunshine
• Exercising
• Writing more consistently
• Calling my grandparents
• Drinking herbal tea or Diet Coke
• Taking baths
• Trying new things (Adventures)
• And being as true to myself as I can be

What do you do for your emotional health?

Sara and the year of no friends

I wrote this last April, and I know it needs to be shared:

Growing is rarely a comfortable process. It requires going against all internal warnings and going for it anyway.

For the past 172 days I have been living abroad. It has been hard. I have grown. My mind has been opened to a new way of doing things. Some of them for the better. I have seen things that to me are from fairy tales. Been to places that are more beautiful than the postcards, no photo can do Wales justice. 

I knew cognitively this would be hard. I thought it would get easier as time went on. Life has a way of pulling a fast one, I was wrong. Things started reasonably well. People make a massive effort when you are new. They offer you rides, check in with you, make sure that you know they noticed you. January, the 4 month mark for me is when my shiny newness wore off. And all of the sudden the little support system I though I created disappeared. People who I genuinely thought were my friends came up with reasons to not speak to me. Now I take partial responsibility, misunderstandings happen. But completely cutting someone out of your life because of a misunderstanding is petty and immature. The people who did this (yes, multiple) were the people who I spent a lot of time with before. They were burnt out and needed a reason to create space, and so they did. I felt lied to and abandoned. I understand it from a psychological point that they needed to restore balance in their own lives. 

I have been here for seven months and I had to put down emergency contacts for my placement paper work. I automatically put my parents down and handed the form back. The woman doing my orientation said I needed someone local. Trying to come up with someone was hard. I sat there for a solid five minutes trying to come up with someone. My mind was completely blank. There was not one name of a person I felt like if there was an accident I would feel comfortable calling. One person I could say, this person if I asked for help who wouldn't make me feel guilty for it later. One person who I wouldn't feel like a massive burden to. I eventually elected to leave them blank for now. I am just going to hope nothing happens.    

In some aspects this is good. I pride myself on being independent. This has forced the boundaries of what I thought I was capable of. I spend approximately 80% of my time alone, with in my room, usually working on school. The other 20% is spent in classes, whether school, church or otherwise, or making awkward small talk that never amounts to anything. There is no emotional connection. I am a social person, anyone who knows me knows I enjoy people. Without a support system I feel empty. I feel unwanted. This is the first time I have ever considered not coming to church. And its not a trial of my faith. It really comes down to the actions of one person. She makes me feel like a burden and judged. I won't leave because that only hurts me, but I have spoken to friends I have throughout the UK and apparently I am not the only one who has considered leaving because of this person. A few have left. And that is sad. This person has no idea. She will have to deal with it later. I feel bad for her. 

One of my biggest issues with the UK is the elitism. People see themselves as above each other and refuse to interact with people below their station. It is a load of crap. I don't believe in it. Some of the best lessons I have learned have been from poor black inner city children. According to society, they are beneath me. I don't see them that way. They have taught me a lot. It pushes people away. 

The passive aggressive behavior on top of it just makes it worse. People seem to be unable to have a straight forward conversation, saying their needs, discussing them, coming to a mutual conclusion and moving forward. It's ridiculous. The American way isn't always the right way by any means, but cut nuance and just tell me what you want. I can't read your mind. I can't fix anything if you don't tell me what you need or what. Correct me in a productive and positive way and then we can all move forward. Maybe people don't actually want to fix anything and they are just ok with being miserable people to associate with.