Thursday, January 28, 2016

Stress, Panic, Money: the Cycle of Postgraduate Thoughts

The last few months, I would talk to people and realize no one actually knows what they are doing in adulthood. This is an epiphany that happened when I was 14, when a 40 something year old man made fart jokes for about an hour(that event broke my little heart). We are all just winging it. It is easy to imagine that two hundred years ago when the struggle for survival, let alone success, was a challenge that knowing what one was supposed to do with their life was much easier. It was a "Do what you have to in order to meet your basic needs and the needs of your family. The family you had to have in order to not die" kind of thing. Now its like "Do what makes you happy, no matter what it is. Go have fun now." And honestly its not really working for me. I have had some direction. 

At least in my life, I have been told, " Sara after high school you will go to college and then live the rest of your life". 

Well I did that. I graduated.
 
 I am now considered an educated adult and I have a piece of paper that is supposed to tell the world I know what I am doing....  

I totally don't though. Not a freaking clue. 
I am now in the "and live the rest of your life" section of the aforementioned life goal. Well in case you feel like saying that to a soon to be graduate of university. Do not: I repeat do not do it. In case you forgot, the average college graduate is  between 22-26. They still have the majority of their life left. That leaves a lot of unknowns for  what"the rest of you life" actually entails. And it feels like jumping off a cliff blindfolded and you don't know if you are jumping into water or lava or you will be smacking your face on the ground. But you do it because you "supposed to".

Subsequently, I have decided to go to grad school. I will be attending Swansea University in the Fall. \
That's right! Wales. I will be writing another blog post about that eventually. Needless to say, I am excited. But before I was admitted into any of the Universities I applied to, I was floundering. Between the desire to be done with my undergrad and not knowing what I was going to do next with my life there was a phone call to my mother that usually went something like this. (Specifically referencing the last call home):
Me: Hi, Mom.
Mom: Hi Sara, how is it going?
Me: I am quitting college. I am done. I have nothing else to give.
Mom: Sara, you have worked to hard to quit now. You have like two weeks left! That's one week of class and finals week. And we already paid for airplane tickets so you have to graduate, 
Me: Fine... okay Mom, I will do it. I am not happy about it though.  

That happened pretty much the entire semester. I am a goal oriented person. I need plans and contingency plans. Direction is so important. And having no direction led to panic. Lots and lots of panic. 
Which reminds me of a childhood anecdote.(In complete honesty, I don't remember this story, but my Daddy has told me it every time I freak out over anything. I have heard it so often its almost like I remember... okay not really but here it is.) I was crying and freaking about out about something. And my Daddy walked up to me and asked me what I was doing. I said sniffling," I am panicking." My Daddy said "Why are you panicking" " I said" I don't know." And Daddy said " Then stop." And I was all like" Okay Daddy." and I snapped out of it. Moral of story freaking out doesn't help but I panic anyway. 
Before graduation, I was able to find employment at home. I have some kind of income and something to keep me busy. I am really grateful for this. Life requires income. And without income you can't get anywhere. It is a vicious cycle of needing money to get an education so you can make more money. Which leads to the last piece before the cycle starts again. 

My grad school, in the Wales, will only cost me $20,000 in tuition( I convert everything back to American for ease of my own planning). Which is the cheapest grad school program I have found. Yay for European Adventures being cheaper than staying in the States! Being the very type A person I am, I have made lists for everything, cost, things I will need to bring, classes, schedules for classes, potential living situations, and this list of lists continues. 

*Secret time* I LOVE budgeting. Now I am not the best at sticking to my budget, yet the arbitrary financial planning gives me a sense of control and I calm down significantly.

I have calculated that with the current exchange rate and cost of living and the recommended funding by the University. I will be needing $50,000. When I realized this my heart sank. I have never had that much money. ever. And what was I going to do. Even with my job I will only be making $14,000.00. I have applied for more scholarships and grants than I can count. Money is so unbelievably stressful. And as a very last resort I did something I really truly did not want to do. I created a go fund me account. I call it desperation. I mean every little bit helps. So its worth a try right?

Here is the link even a few dollars adds up quickly. 
I know its along shot but if you could donate to my future I will make sure to pay it forward. The being able to financially support myself gives me anxiety levels that can't be healthy. And it keeps me up late at night. 

Now that I am at the end of the cycle, it will start all over again. I know I can't be the only one who is experiencing this. So let us freak out over life together. 

I should start meditating. 

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

The Things I learn from Early Morning Musings

My day usually starts like many of yours. My alarm clock rings, an internal and external groan, and then the argument with myself starts. And it usually goes something like this:


Ugh! I am too young to be this tired. Why was a born a morning person? Why am I most productive from 7am until 3 pm? My bed is so toasty. Leaving would be really too bad. Maybe I am secretly an heiress and I don't have to work ever again. I should go back to sleep and call in sick. No you can't, grad school won't pay for itself and I know how much I dislike loans. Get out of bed...No seriously do it. You will be late and you won't want to do that. Wait sister________ is in the bathroom, I can wait five more minutes. 

Eventually, I do get out of bed, get ready, and am out the door quickly. Today I was up and out of the housing in 22 minutes. Hair washed, teeth brushed, dressed, lunch packed. Hoorah! 

I was grumbling to myself whilst driving, I have strong thoughts that people, especially myself, should not be awake when it is early and still dark. But traffic was better than usual and so I could just kinda do my driving thing. 

The thought came to me, am I actually tired? This made me smile, 
uh yes I was tired, its 6:41 am. I should be asleep. The best sleep happens from 4 am until 8:30 am. ( I don't know if there is scientific evidence for this, but it is my claim for not getting up on Saturday mornings).

After a moment of reflection, I came to the conclusion that part of me was tired, yet another more powerful part of me was not tired. In fact, that part of me was why I was up and out of bed. 

My body was tired, my mind was not.  

This has changed my perspective in the past twenty or so minutes since it occurred to me that not all of my has to be tired at once. My body is in fact tired. And it usually is. I have a Ehlers-Danlos type 3, hyper mobility type. It means that I have to work harder to function, I can twist and ankle if I don't think about walking on uneven surfaces. I have avoided other blogs about EDS and the support groups in general. When you get a group of people who hurt, who are tired of hurting, most of whom don't take the measures to make change it becomes a lot of whining. I know that they do hurt, and are tired usually, but giving up and sitting down just makes you hurt more. The best way to deal with EDS is to work out regularly and intensely, eat healthy and to make sure you do physical therapy exercises. Basically be healthy and you can live a relatively normal life. Who would of thought? Take care of yourself and you can be healthy. Most who have been diagnosed, unfortunately, do not do the things they need to in order to avoid the pain. 

In addition to EDS, I have Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome. It is an adventure in and of itself. Here is a link on it:
 http://www.ninds.nih.gov/disorders/postural_tachycardia_syndrome/postural_tachycardia_syndrome.htm. Basically every time I stand up or turn to quickly or change my elevation at all (going up and down stairs is a great example) my vision goes black, I would get dizzy and light headed and I would need to take it slow for a minute or two after this, so my body could adjust back and I could see again. 

All of this adds up to me using more energy to function as a "normal functioning adult". (Honestly I don't know what that means, I don't think anyone does). 

The mind is so powerful. Just look at any diet fad. Carbs, no carbs, vegetarianism, injections, pills or wraps. Most of the results are founded in paying attention to what is going into the body and making sure they are getting exercises.  I personally believe that our brains can make things happen that we otherwise would not be able to do. Our bodies can do amazing things. And our mind controls many of those functions. Our individual brains specifically send out all of the messages to the rest of our body on how to run. When I realized that, in fact, it was my body not my brain that was tired, there was a small shift in my psyche. My mind and brain worked together and woke up the rest of me. Brain power was used to rest my tiredness. It was as if I decided not to be tired, which traditionally is not possible. It was a great feeling knowing how strong I am. As a person who frequently feels weak I was excited to find one, even a small way to be strong.

Well that was my morning conclusion, what conclusions have you reached this week?

Saturday, January 2, 2016

Here is to 2016: live aggressively

Last year, ended with a bang, a neighbors fireworks to be specific. And now is the normal time for self reflection. I don't need to share it with the inter-webs but last year was difficult in most aspects. Love life was traumatic. School was stressful and is now over( Woo!). I graduated from Brigham Young University Idaho with a Bachelors degree in Sociology.

This year will be a transition phase for me. I will be working at Cincinnati Children's hospital. And earning money so I can attend graduate school  in the fall. I have two options right now. I can go to Swansea University or East Carolina University. Both are great options for an education. I have already been offered a place to attend in Wales. I am waiting to hear from ECU. I should be hearing from them this month. 

Later this year, I will be flying to China. I will be visiting my aunt. It will be a great opportunity to explore a part of the world that I haven't been to yet. This will be a life goal met. 

My sister will come home from her mission from the Belgium Netherlands mission at the end of April. 

And I will start grad school in August or September, depending on the school. 

I have lots of goals for this year:

I am going to take control of my health and exercise four times a week.
I want to find a scholarship
Go to a grad school
learn to forgive
I am going to be emotionally open and available.

What are your goals?