The notebook and other sob stories

So last night I talked with my roommates. Comforting one( she is awesome but totally doesn't see it. This will be a topic I discuss in later posts. It really bothers me.) And just talking about growing up. It was eye opening. Then Lauren my room roommate and I watched the Notebook. Every time I watch this movie I have a new realization. I know its kinda weird but that movie applies to a lot of people. While watching I realized that I knew I was transferring schools. I was secretly fighting it nail and tooth. I don't like moving. I have friends who love me. The classes are straight forward and easy. All of this is pretty hard to leave. I know I stay somewhere as long as I am needed or as long as there a lesson I need to learn. I have learned most of what I can from BYU-I so it is time to move on. I also learned that letting people care about you may hurt them but the support and love are worth it. I have pretty much always believed that people are out to get me and that letting people get to know the real me will leave me heart broken and betrayed. That changed last night. I have to let people in or else I can't help others. It was really hard to watch Noah look so upset when Allie forgot who he was again. Seeing all the pain that her condition caused hurt me. I know that someday I will fall apart. I may not forget the people I love but there may come a day when I can't really move or participate in life. Getting old does that to people. I get upset now for causing other people pain. I can't imagine what it will be like when I have kids and grand-babies. The circle of influence grows with age and thinking of hurting people makes me feel nauseous. I also learned that rushing things will just blow up in my face. Life is short but the days are long and I should try and learn as much as I can while I am here.

Well those  are my thoughts via the Notebook.

Love Sara

Songs

Music has this crazy ability to tap into the emotions of the human psyche. Pieces of music can bring tears to people eyes or bring back fond memories. Its crazy to me. I have had "Catch My Breath" by Kelly Clarkson stuck in my head for the past few days. I love this song the message is one I personally connect with and is motivating to almost anyone who has gone through hardship. The past few days I have been in a funk but this song brings me some relative calm.

I am grateful for good music.

Love,

Sara

That feeling in your stomach

The past month has been awesome. Classes have been great. I am learning so much. I am learning things that I will be able to actually use. I have met some wonderful people. I am so lucky to have a reasonable month of weather. The snow has been gorgeous. The wind hasn't been awful. I have gone on dates with some amazing people. Some of whom have made a large impact on my perspective. Today though, I have a weird feeling in my stomach. It came about a while ago but I just didn't give it any thought. I see people all the time holding hands and looking so genuinely happy they almost glow and I want that. I mean who wouldn't? Who wouldn't want to have someone they can completely confide in, who treats them how they deserve. I have been single. There is no one who wants to hold my hand. The feeling in my stomach is the feeling of being unwanted. Most people would probably attribute this feeling to Valentine's day being on this past Thursday, but that isn't it. I love Valentine's day. I think love and appreciation for others needs to be celebrated way more often and Valentine's Day is the one chosen day to make a special effort to show that we care about the people in our lives. We should be doing little things everyday, listening, seeing how they are doing, making small efforts, etc. Bur Valentine's day should be when we say it. It shouldn't be just through actions it should be words too. Look someone deep in the eye and say "I care for you. I will never do anything intentionally to hurt you. I love you." To me there are hundreds of kinds of love but only one word to cover it all. People love their pets and they love their significant others but it isn't the same kind of love. I love food but it isn't the same way I feel about my family. I have pretty much always thought February 14th was the best holiday. Growing up when everyone in your class gave valentine's it was the one day when my crush of that school year gave me the time of day and told me he "loved" me. Later it was being able to see couple's and how much they care for each other. Love is a delicate thing that we need to work and growing more of. So much good comes from pure un-needy love. I enjoy seeing other people so happy. I am to the point where I would be more than okay with having a relationship like that. I have yet to find one. And that is the feeling in my stomach. The feeling of deep rooted doubt that anyone could see what I view as blatantly obvious flaws and actually love me. Or that anyone would want to take a step up and even try. It is kinda heart-breaking to actually admit this but I have serious doubts and normally I am an upbeat happy person. It has been in the back of my head for a while. That quiet voice telling me it won't happen, I know that it will at some point in time. I just don't want to be left behind. Almost all of my college friends have someone and t is starting to feel lonely. I don't mean to sound ungrateful. I have great people who I know love me in my life but part of me wants that best friend who I fall in love with.

Don't forget people do love you.

Love,

Sara