2017 was easily the most challenging year of my life(to date). It started poorly, I was alone in a foreign country. All the support system I thought I built, not only disappeared, but was causing me harm the longer I was there. A person who I thought was a close friend, showed their true colors and was emotionally abusive. We are no longer friends; it is much healthier for me this way.
February was the worst month. The saving grace was I started my placement working in a play school. Those children saved me from myself. I felt like I was drowning, alone, until about a week after I started. Being around inquisitive bright children made all the difference for me. And I kind of snapped out of it, found my feet again and moved forward. During this period of time I had lost most, if not all, motivation in my grad school program. I kind of developed stress induced narcolepsy. I would try to work on my finals, and I would fall asleep within a few minutes, waking up hours later confused.
Summer rolled around and my housemates and I started going to the beach regularly, Wales has stunning beaches. 10/10 would recommend. Being out in the sun made a huge difference as well. I took a mental health vacation and went to Morocco. It was the best 10 days I may have had ever. The culture was inspiring, the people were compassionate and kind. The people I interacted with on my tour were lovely, many of whom triggered a shift in my world view. It was the first Muslim country I have ever visited. I could write a whole book. Morocco was unbelievable. Towards the end of my trip I met two Dutch men and they were interesting. One made me laugh so much I lost my voice the next day. He and I ended up meeting up on the two other excursion trips I made. France and the Netherlands were my last two trips. This guy gave me the support I needed to finish my program and make me happy again all while being across the Channel. He and I aren't close now, it was one of those 'in the season' relationships, but it changed me for the better.
By some miracle, I not only submitted by deadline, but I passed my classes of my new program. Over the Summer I visited the States. We went and visited my grandparents. It was nice to be in the super heat after the damp of Britain. I went back and packed up my house. There was a wonderful expected surprise, my cousin came to visit. She had just moved to Germany with her family. It was a real blessing that she got to visit. I packed up and I left Britain. Saying good riddance, but maybe that will change.
Once back in the States, I was home for a week. It was crazy and chaotic time because it was a short window and I moved to California. I started a job as a nanny. I love the family I nanny for. The boys are wonderful, their parents are wonderful, and I don't even mind the Labrador who thinks he is a lap dog. California is a surprising wonderful fit for me. The back of my mind I wanted to hate it. It is really difficult to hate a place where its sunny and warm consistently.
There was a slow start in California for me. I saw my mom's best friend. She is a real life fairy godmother. When I am with her, I feel safe and cared for and wanted. After so many months of not feeling that, it has made a big difference. The support I had over this year has proven to me that with the proper support I can do anything.
I know 100% this is true because I started a second grad school program, legitimately the best schooling I have ever done. Marriage and Family therapy is a goal of mine. I had a semester of overlap. It was the dumbest thing I thought I could do, to be fair, though I did accomplish it. I did two grad school programs at once. Saying it there is still a mental disconnect. This took an army of people supporting me to accomplish. I did it.
Shortly after the term finished, I went home. Christmas was Monday. My sister got married on Wednesday. It was been a crazy full year.
I am able to do anything I set my mind to. I need to write goals for 2018, lets see what happens. I have proven my abilities to myself.
Saturday, December 30, 2017
Monday, July 17, 2017
28 Days: All Good Things Come to an End
Well ladies and Gents,
My British adventure comes to an end in. I move back in 28 short days.
Time here has been a learning and growing experience. School has given me a new perspective on my expectations for children. Living in another country has shown me a different way of life. There have been so many people that I am grateful I met. And some people I am wholly grateful will be 3,799 miles away. Both types of people have taught me more about myself than I expected.
I have learned to trust my instincts and that I am stronger than I knew. Moving to a new country alone took more courage than I thought I would ever have. It paid off.
I have a lot to do between now and then. I need to sell everything I can't bring back. I need to clean my house and pack. I have to work on my dissertation and a re-submission.
I have come up with a bucket list of things I want to do before I leave, as it will be a really long time before I will make it across the pond again.
1. I want to go to Harry Potter Studios
Harry Potter consisted of most of my childhood. I loved reading because I loved these books. The first book came out in June 1997, I was just over 4. And the last Harry Potter film (of the original series) came out July 2011, which is just over 6 weeks after I graduated from high school. Needless to say it has been a huge influence on my life. Sentimental as I am it made the top of the list
2. I want to go to Rhossili Bay, at Sunset, on my last Sunday here
This was one of the first beaches I went to in Wales. If you haven't been down the Gower make it a priority. This beach has been in the top 10 most beautiful beaches in the WORLD and top in the UK, as of 2014. I would love to take photos to commemorate the end of an era.
3. Kaspa's
It is a dessert bar and has been the place I go to celebrate. The local one had some health code issues but maybe I will find a different... or just risk it.
4. Hike Pen-y-Fan
This is the highest peak in South Wales. And I want to take a place with the marker.
Time is winding down quickly.
What am I doing next?
I don't completely know yet but....
I am ready for my next step and a new adventure!
So now I can say lets adventure and:
Sunday, February 5, 2017
Satan v Sara
The new year started and I was determined to be better than 2016. Much like most of the world it was not the best for me. I have a friend Sara who told me, at 20 that there is to be expected a mid 20s kick in the pants.... well it seems mine decided to make a a brief preview.
As a religious person I believe in Satan. A powerful negative being who influences people to do bad. If you reading this are not religious you should still be accustomed to the idea.
This week was amazing and complicated. And let me tell you Satan is enemy numero uno. I have been prepping to start my term again, it starts Tuesday. One of my professors has withdrawn from teaching on medical leave, she is ill. I hope she finds the helps she needs and that it doesn't effect my grades. My knew professors are more more stringent and that makes me a little nervous. We shall have to see.
During the middle of the week I had a meeting with my adviser. I learned that my program doesn't qualify me in the way I thought it did. So I panicked a little about what I was doing in Wales.(read as a three hour meltdown involving crying and skyping my mother since initially I thought it meant I wouldn't be able to get hired following graduation). I felt the biggest wave of doubt and hopelessness that I have ever felt to date. I was ready to pack my bags and leave forever. I felt like I had wasted the better part of 6 months of my life.I have rarely felt so alone in my life. I started praying when I finally slowed my mind down enough to think enough to do anything other than panic. And lets be real I was at the very end of my rope. I couldn't take anymore. The month of January was potentially the most trying month I have ever had. I won't go into it but it was something I wouldn't wish on the most evil people who have existed. And God in His love and compassion knew that I couldn't take anymore. The fear melted away and I figured out that I just need to have more supervised observation and I should be fully employable.
I think I prayed more sincerely in the last month than I have in the past 3 years. And those years have been hard, they felt impossible. Satan put me through the ringer and he lost, as he always will.I won't let him. He has no right. I have come to far, we all have come too far to let him win.
There aren't very many times when I feel confident or strong in my faith. But today I do. And what a great feeling to have on a fast Sunday.
Life has its ups and downs. Sometimes the peaks and valleys are small ripples and other times they feel like mountains. Either way they have to be conquered.
As a religious person I believe in Satan. A powerful negative being who influences people to do bad. If you reading this are not religious you should still be accustomed to the idea.
This week was amazing and complicated. And let me tell you Satan is enemy numero uno. I have been prepping to start my term again, it starts Tuesday. One of my professors has withdrawn from teaching on medical leave, she is ill. I hope she finds the helps she needs and that it doesn't effect my grades. My knew professors are more more stringent and that makes me a little nervous. We shall have to see.
During the middle of the week I had a meeting with my adviser. I learned that my program doesn't qualify me in the way I thought it did. So I panicked a little about what I was doing in Wales.(read as a three hour meltdown involving crying and skyping my mother since initially I thought it meant I wouldn't be able to get hired following graduation). I felt the biggest wave of doubt and hopelessness that I have ever felt to date. I was ready to pack my bags and leave forever. I felt like I had wasted the better part of 6 months of my life.I have rarely felt so alone in my life. I started praying when I finally slowed my mind down enough to think enough to do anything other than panic. And lets be real I was at the very end of my rope. I couldn't take anymore. The month of January was potentially the most trying month I have ever had. I won't go into it but it was something I wouldn't wish on the most evil people who have existed. And God in His love and compassion knew that I couldn't take anymore. The fear melted away and I figured out that I just need to have more supervised observation and I should be fully employable.
I think I prayed more sincerely in the last month than I have in the past 3 years. And those years have been hard, they felt impossible. Satan put me through the ringer and he lost, as he always will.I won't let him. He has no right. I have come to far, we all have come too far to let him win.
There aren't very many times when I feel confident or strong in my faith. But today I do. And what a great feeling to have on a fast Sunday.
Life has its ups and downs. Sometimes the peaks and valleys are small ripples and other times they feel like mountains. Either way they have to be conquered.
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