The last few months, I would talk to people and realize no one actually knows what they are doing in adulthood. This is an epiphany that happened when I was 14, when a 40 something year old man made fart jokes for about an hour(that event broke my little heart). We are all just winging it. It is easy to imagine that two hundred years ago when the struggle for survival, let alone success, was a challenge that knowing what one was supposed to do with their life was much easier. It was a "Do what you have to in order to meet your basic needs and the needs of your family. The family you had to have in order to not die" kind of thing. Now its like "Do what makes you happy, no matter what it is. Go have fun now." And honestly its not really working for me. I have had some direction.
At least in my life, I have been told, " Sara after high school you will go to college and then live the rest of your life".
Well I did that. I graduated.
I am now considered an educated adult and I have a piece of paper that is supposed to tell the world I know what I am doing....
I totally don't though. Not a freaking clue.
I am now in the "and live the rest of your life" section of the aforementioned life goal. Well in case you feel like saying that to a soon to be graduate of university. Do not: I repeat do not do it. In case you forgot, the average college graduate is between 22-26. They still have the majority of their life left. That leaves a lot of unknowns for what"the rest of you life" actually entails. And it feels like jumping off a cliff blindfolded and you don't know if you are jumping into water or lava or you will be smacking your face on the ground. But you do it because you "supposed to".
Subsequently, I have decided to go to grad school. I will be attending Swansea University in the Fall. 
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That's right! Wales. I will be writing another blog post about that eventually. Needless to say, I am excited. But before I was admitted into any of the Universities I applied to, I was floundering. Between the desire to be done with my undergrad and not knowing what I was going to do next with my life there was a phone call to my mother that usually went something like this. (Specifically referencing the last call home):
Me: Hi, Mom.
Mom: Hi Sara, how is it going?
Me: I am quitting college. I am done. I have nothing else to give.
Mom: Sara, you have worked to hard to quit now. You have like two weeks left! That's one week of class and finals week. And we already paid for airplane tickets so you have to graduate,
Me: Fine... okay Mom, I will do it. I am not happy about it though.
That happened pretty much the entire semester. I am a goal oriented person. I need plans and contingency plans. Direction is so important. And having no direction led to panic. Lots and lots of panic.
Which reminds me of a childhood anecdote.(In complete honesty, I don't remember this story, but my Daddy has told me it every time I freak out over anything. I have heard it so often its almost like I remember... okay not really but here it is.) I was crying and freaking about out about something. And my Daddy walked up to me and asked me what I was doing. I said sniffling," I am panicking." My Daddy said "Why are you panicking" " I said" I don't know." And Daddy said " Then stop." And I was all like" Okay Daddy." and I snapped out of it. Moral of story freaking out doesn't help but I panic anyway.
Before graduation, I was able to find employment at home. I have some kind of income and something to keep me busy. I am really grateful for this. Life requires income. And without income you can't get anywhere. It is a vicious cycle of needing money to get an education so you can make more money. Which leads to the last piece before the cycle starts again.
My grad school, in the Wales, will only cost me $20,000 in tuition( I convert everything back to American for ease of my own planning). Which is the cheapest grad school program I have found. Yay for European Adventures being cheaper than staying in the States! Being the very type A person I am, I have made lists for everything, cost, things I will need to bring, classes, schedules for classes, potential living situations, and this list of lists continues.
*Secret time* I LOVE budgeting. Now I am not the best at sticking to my budget, yet the arbitrary financial planning gives me a sense of control and I calm down significantly.
I have calculated that with the current exchange rate and cost of living and the recommended funding by the University. I will be needing $50,000. When I realized this my heart sank. I have never had that much money. ever. And what was I going to do. Even with my job I will only be making $14,000.00. I have applied for more scholarships and grants than I can count. Money is so unbelievably stressful. And as a very last resort I did something I really truly did not want to do. I created a go fund me account. I call it desperation. I mean every little bit helps. So its worth a try right?
Here is the link even a few dollars adds up quickly.
I know its along shot but if you could donate to my future I will make sure to pay it forward. The being able to financially support myself gives me anxiety levels that can't be healthy. And it keeps me up late at night.
Now that I am at the end of the cycle, it will start all over again. I know I can't be the only one who is experiencing this. So let us freak out over life together.
I should start meditating.
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