Growing is rarely a comfortable process. It requires going against all internal warnings and going for it anyway.
For the past 172 days I have been living abroad. It has been hard. I have grown. My mind has been opened to a new way of doing things. Some of them for the better. I have seen things that to me are from fairy tales. Been to places that are more beautiful than the postcards, no photo can do Wales justice.
I knew cognitively this would be hard. I thought it would get easier as time went on. Life has a way of pulling a fast one, I was wrong. Things started reasonably well. People make a massive effort when you are new. They offer you rides, check in with you, make sure that you know they noticed you. January, the 4 month mark for me is when my shiny newness wore off. And all of the sudden the little support system I though I created disappeared. People who I genuinely thought were my friends came up with reasons to not speak to me. Now I take partial responsibility, misunderstandings happen. But completely cutting someone out of your life because of a misunderstanding is petty and immature. The people who did this (yes, multiple) were the people who I spent a lot of time with before. They were burnt out and needed a reason to create space, and so they did. I felt lied to and abandoned. I understand it from a psychological point that they needed to restore balance in their own lives.
I have been here for seven months and I had to put down emergency contacts for my placement paper work. I automatically put my parents down and handed the form back. The woman doing my orientation said I needed someone local. Trying to come up with someone was hard. I sat there for a solid five minutes trying to come up with someone. My mind was completely blank. There was not one name of a person I felt like if there was an accident I would feel comfortable calling. One person I could say, this person if I asked for help who wouldn't make me feel guilty for it later. One person who I wouldn't feel like a massive burden to. I eventually elected to leave them blank for now. I am just going to hope nothing happens.
In some aspects this is good. I pride myself on being independent. This has forced the boundaries of what I thought I was capable of. I spend approximately 80% of my time alone, with in my room, usually working on school. The other 20% is spent in classes, whether school, church or otherwise, or making awkward small talk that never amounts to anything. There is no emotional connection. I am a social person, anyone who knows me knows I enjoy people. Without a support system I feel empty. I feel unwanted. This is the first time I have ever considered not coming to church. And its not a trial of my faith. It really comes down to the actions of one person. She makes me feel like a burden and judged. I won't leave because that only hurts me, but I have spoken to friends I have throughout the UK and apparently I am not the only one who has considered leaving because of this person. A few have left. And that is sad. This person has no idea. She will have to deal with it later. I feel bad for her.
One of my biggest issues with the UK is the elitism. People see themselves as above each other and refuse to interact with people below their station. It is a load of crap. I don't believe in it. Some of the best lessons I have learned have been from poor black inner city children. According to society, they are beneath me. I don't see them that way. They have taught me a lot. It pushes people away.
The passive aggressive behavior on top of it just makes it worse. People seem to be unable to have a straight forward conversation, saying their needs, discussing them, coming to a mutual conclusion and moving forward. It's ridiculous. The American way isn't always the right way by any means, but cut nuance and just tell me what you want. I can't read your mind. I can't fix anything if you don't tell me what you need or what. Correct me in a productive and positive way and then we can all move forward. Maybe people don't actually want to fix anything and they are just ok with being miserable people to associate with.
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