The past month has been awesome. Classes have been great. I am learning so much. I am learning things that I will be able to actually use. I have met some wonderful people. I am so lucky to have a reasonable month of weather. The snow has been gorgeous. The wind hasn't been awful. I have gone on dates with some amazing people. Some of whom have made a large impact on my perspective. Today though, I have a weird feeling in my stomach. It came about a while ago but I just didn't give it any thought. I see people all the time holding hands and looking so genuinely happy they almost glow and I want that. I mean who wouldn't? Who wouldn't want to have someone they can completely confide in, who treats them how they deserve. I have been single. There is no one who wants to hold my hand. The feeling in my stomach is the feeling of being unwanted. Most people would probably attribute this feeling to Valentine's day being on this past Thursday, but that isn't it. I love Valentine's day. I think love and appreciation for others needs to be celebrated way more often and Valentine's Day is the one chosen day to make a special effort to show that we care about the people in our lives. We should be doing little things everyday, listening, seeing how they are doing, making small efforts, etc. Bur Valentine's day should be when we say it. It shouldn't be just through actions it should be words too. Look someone deep in the eye and say "I care for you. I will never do anything intentionally to hurt you. I love you." To me there are hundreds of kinds of love but only one word to cover it all. People love their pets and they love their significant others but it isn't the same kind of love. I love food but it isn't the same way I feel about my family. I have pretty much always thought February 14th was the best holiday. Growing up when everyone in your class gave valentine's it was the one day when my crush of that school year gave me the time of day and told me he "loved" me. Later it was being able to see couple's and how much they care for each other. Love is a delicate thing that we need to work and growing more of. So much good comes from pure un-needy love. I enjoy seeing other people so happy. I am to the point where I would be more than okay with having a relationship like that. I have yet to find one. And that is the feeling in my stomach. The feeling of deep rooted doubt that anyone could see what I view as blatantly obvious flaws and actually love me. Or that anyone would want to take a step up and even try. It is kinda heart-breaking to actually admit this but I have serious doubts and normally I am an upbeat happy person. It has been in the back of my head for a while. That quiet voice telling me it won't happen, I know that it will at some point in time. I just don't want to be left behind. Almost all of my college friends have someone and t is starting to feel lonely. I don't mean to sound ungrateful. I have great people who I know love me in my life but part of me wants that best friend who I fall in love with.
Don't forget people do love you.
Love,
Sara
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