The Deep Feels We Don't Share

Seeing as today is Leap day I thought it required a post. I mean I won't get an opportunity like this for four years.

First thing everyone should do is look at the google logo. Its absolutely precious. I mean, who doesn't love bunnies. Its like when a child crawls between parents while they are sleeping.

Second everyone should recognize that Leonard DiCaprio finally won an Oscar. I can confidently say that will is now a prized possession. An entire meme theme will be ended over this. This will no

Make sense, because now he does have one. 

Now for the important part. Today's actual post!

While at church yesterday, I was thinking about the people who have influenced my life. I thought about telling those people before and I had a reaction like this:

and then this:


and finally this:

And if history has anything to say it is that I won't be saying anything any time soon. I considered why I wouldn't do it. And the conclusion was that the fear of rejection was bigger than my fear of not knowing that I care as deeply as I do.  I asked a few friends about it. They had similar reasoning behind them not telling people how much they care.

I think we get caught up in our insecurities and we don't want to show more emotion than the other person. We take our cues from those around us. We are individuals and so we can expect to be anybody but who we are. We don't realize that we radiate energy. The way we feel or we what we are thinking is out there. and we don't know that. It is how you know someone is going to change lanes before they signal. Or when you see a person across the room and know they aren't happy. As people we don't realize that the way we treat people and the way we act is something other people admire. Instead we try and hide behind what we project and the actions of others.

I was trying to come up with ways of overcoming this.

One friend said "You have to not be afraid to say what you need to and don't ever regret it. Unless it was mean. Mean is not the new nice lol"
Now most of you who have read my previous blog posts know how I feel about "what if"s and regrets. I think we would have closer relationships if we were more vulnerable in our relationships. I am going to start telling the people in my life how much I appreciate them. It will be an experiment of vulnerability.

The Story of Anxiety Girl

A baby girl was born not breathing and that is how she gained her name: Anxiety girl. If she wasn't held she would cry, She was easily startled and afraid frequently as a child. At about four years old she decided she didn't wan to be afraid anymore. So she played pretend. She decided to be outgoing. She tried to make friends. And she started school. She wondered why people were mean.  She didn't fit in. She small and white, which is nothing like the other people in her school. As she grew up nothing really changed. She was still anxious. People were still challenging for her.

She still has problems with the anxiety. Every time she starts taking steps toward her future she freaks out, shuts down and feels dejected. If she has an argument she feels like she will lose their friendship. She thinks about it for hours afterwards, internally smacking herself for every perceived faux pas. If she has a disagreement with her parents she knows that as illogical as it is that they will kick her out and won't want to see her again. That she is no longer a priority and that she needs to start packing. Luckily she can logic her way out of most of these feelings now. As a child not so much.

She is working on it. A little bit every day.

Obsessive Ruminating and Other Forms of Self-Torture

Ruminating is a verb that means to ponder deeply, or to chew the cud(like a cow). 

I have a problem where I ponder too deeply on things. I go from "oh the sun is bright today" to "wow, what if the sun exploded right... now!" and every other random sun related thought for a few minutes until I get distracted by something else. 

Valentine's day was Sunday. I love Valentine's Day. Yes, to many it is a hallmark holiday where people are taken advantage of to give presents they can't really afford and helps the rose, chocolate, and card industries. To me, it is a celebration of the positive influences and all the types of love (which I would discuss but that is a whole other blog post, which I did a few years ago here: http://lifeisworthadventuring.blogspot.com/2013/02/that-feeling-in-your-stomach.html).

This Valentine's Day was full to bursting with ruminating past relationships. It all started with the good moments, the thoughtful gestures, the adventures, the memories that still make me smile. All of those relationships ended for one reason or another whether it was cheating, lack of communication, or we just weren't a good match. Cheating in particularly, makes me feel rage. ( I obviously have strong feelings about it, and I have never cheated on anyone. Its sad that I feel the need to say that.) There are many hurt feels when I think about what I was responsible for with my previous relationships. It was eating me up inside for a large portion of the day. I kind of felt like a failure because they never worked out. I usually put all the blame on myself, even if there is no way it was my fault. 

I felt this:

Then I saw this:

And my reaction was this:

I have been well acquainted with fairy tales since I was little and I had never considered this. What if Cinderella had gone back and gotten her shoe and the prince had nothing to find her, and subsequently never did? Would they have lead separate lives and there would have been no happily ever after? Well that wouldn't have made a very good movie. And it is an over simplification to think that an entire story comes down to one pivotal moment. 

But that picture did teach me something else. Perpetually looking back will keep me from knowing where I am going in addition, to ignoring what I am currently surrounded by. I am currently single, like many of you. And this is the time I can use to try new things, adventure where I want to go without having to significantly consider anyone else. This will essentially be the last times in my life where I can be 100% selfish with my time.. So I decided to stop looking back so much. I will be working on me. And following my dreams: China, Wales and beyond! I will be getting an education. Right now, It feels lonely.

 

But I can appreciate the times when I do feel close, when I talk to close to friends, or create memories with  my siblings and the countless other things I can do with the absence of a significant other. 

I will no longer allow ruminating to control my life or to keep me from progressing. I will not reopen wounds, I will not wonder what I did wrong, I will not inflict blame on myself for things out of my control.

You shouldn't either. Here's to becoming emotionally liberated and facing towards the future. 

Peace and Blessins, Peace and Blessins

I am so blessed! It has been crazy amazing. If you read my blog at all regularly you know money stresses me out. I have been given a great opportunity. We have a lot of projects that need to be done and I will be able to work a significant amount of over time. Which means I will get paid time and a half! This will help me make a dent in what feels like the impossible.

I will be making an extra couple thousand by the end of the summer. 

In addition, payday is today!

This is my link to my GOFUNDME:

 https://www.gofundme.com/atauywxk

Please donate! Help my dreams become a reality.

Normally I don't discuss the fact that I am super religious,but God is so good to me. He listens to my prayers.  And I am so full of gratitude. I will be able to be prepared for my future and what ever other things will be coming my way.  

I hope other opportunities come my way. 

Peace and Blessins

Sara

The Year of the Monkey

The Lunar New Year has been something I celebrated since I was little. We celebrate with ordering American Chinese food. This year is going to be an exciting year. In 29 days I will be heading on an adventure of a life time. I will be heading to China! This has been a dream come true. It has been on my bucket list. I will be heading to

 Cheng Du:

,

 my Aunt and Uncle currently live there. 

We will also be going to Xi'an:

, 

Hong Kong:

, 

Beijing:

 

Shanghai:

 

This is a once in a life time opportunity. 

Every time I travel, I feel like I am exposed to a new aspect to myself. When I went to Europe I felt like I finally understood where I came from. Being of European descent  I was able to see where my family used to be. It shaped my ancestors and lead to me. Having an understanding of that is really important. Conquering China will have a big influence on my life. The Asian culture permeates life and I feel like I will have a more realistic view of the world. I will be able to see poverty I have never witnessed before. I will be a total minority, I won't speak the language. I feel like those kinds of extremes teach important life lessons. 

I will be boarding a plane in 29 days and counting! Lets see where this adventure takes me. 

My Desperate Attempt at Taking Control of my Future and Other Half Baked Ideas

I decided in a fit of desperation that I should attempt to come up with my own way of paying for grad school. Though I am kind of morally against begging or asking people for money I feet overwhelmed with the price tag that will soon be looming over my head. And I thought of different ideas of possibilities... My college go to was " if the college thing doesn't work out, then I will be a dancer in Vegas". Then I realized that I would be mortified with my life choices if I would follow through with that and give a last stitch effort to avoid it at all costs.

Now I am "educated". *quick side note* IT TAKES FOREVER TO GET YOUR DIPLOMA. I mean it has only been six weeks, but waiting for that piece of paper has stressed me out. It feels like my diploma will make it seem more real, that I am a college graduate and I am not just taking a break from school. 

I am currently working. My job consists of unstapling, scanning, purging old folders and chart room maintenance. My desk partner, sits in front of me and on a near daily basis asks me " Wouldn't you rather bus tables or something... anything else?" I enjoy being employed and my coworkers are awesome. I feel appreciate for the monotonous work I do and it keeps the flow going for everyone else. And this has eased some of the stress of which I will be responsible. There is still a significant portion of this that won't be covered. I have applied for second jobs, the kind that pay next to nothing. But next to nothing is a little something and I am okay with that. Legal income is legal income. Unfortunately, I am told time and again I am over qualified and so they will not have any positions available to me. And that is becoming an ever increasingly annoying back handed compliment. I mean I applied for the job, I obviously want it. Agh! Oh well, maybe I will find someone who needs a nanny in the evenings a few nights a week. 

Because of the job rejection, My anxious feelings about money became worse. I decided at about 3 in the morning that a GOFUNDME would be a good idea. Now I don't believe anything in life is free. It would be nice to be wrong, but its just not. GOFUNDME has given people opportunities to gain financial assistance as well as give as generously as they feel they can be. These two concepts are things I am very supportive of. In fact, I have donated to a few causes. I had to reevaluate my feelings about doing this. 

I am a prideful person. And I was initially ashamed that I did this. And I haven't been given much. But I am so grateful to have what I have been given that I have no reason to be upset. This isn't below me. There is nothing wrong with needing help.  

Here is another link to my campaign. 

https://www.gofundme.com/atauywxk

Stress, Panic, Money: the Cycle of Postgraduate Thoughts

The last few months, I would talk to people and realize no one actually knows what they are doing in adulthood. This is an epiphany that happened when I was 14, when a 40 something year old man made fart jokes for about an hour(that event broke my little heart). We are all just winging it. It is easy to imagine that two hundred years ago when the struggle for survival, let alone success, was a challenge that knowing what one was supposed to do with their life was much easier. It was a "Do what you have to in order to meet your basic needs and the needs of your family. The family you had to have in order to not die" kind of thing. Now its like "Do what makes you happy, no matter what it is. Go have fun now." And honestly its not really working for me. I have had some direction. 

At least in my life, I have been told, " Sara after high school you will go to college and then live the rest of your life". 

Well I did that. I graduated.

 

 I am now considered an educated adult and I have a piece of paper that is supposed to tell the world I know what I am doing....  

I totally don't though. Not a freaking clue. 

I am now in the "and live the rest of your life" section of the aforementioned life goal. Well in case you feel like saying that to a soon to be graduate of university. Do not: I repeat do not do it. In case you forgot, the average college graduate is  between 22-26. They still have the majority of their life left. That leaves a lot of unknowns for  what"the rest of you life" actually entails. And it feels like jumping off a cliff blindfolded and you don't know if you are jumping into water or lava or you will be smacking your face on the ground. But you do it because you "supposed to".

Subsequently, I have decided to go to grad school. I will be attending Swansea University in the Fall. \

That's right! Wales. I will be writing another blog post about that eventually. Needless to say, I am excited. But before I was admitted into any of the Universities I applied to, I was floundering. Between the desire to be done with my undergrad and not knowing what I was going to do next with my life there was a phone call to my mother that usually went something like this. (Specifically referencing the last call home):

Me: Hi, Mom.

Mom: Hi Sara, how is it going?

Me: I am quitting college. I am done. I have nothing else to give.

Mom: Sara, you have worked to hard to quit now. You have like two weeks left! That's one week of class and finals week. And we already paid for airplane tickets so you have to graduate, 

Me: Fine... okay Mom, I will do it. I am not happy about it though.  

That happened pretty much the entire semester. I am a goal oriented person. I need plans and contingency plans. Direction is so important. And having no direction led to panic. Lots and lots of panic. 

Which reminds me of a childhood anecdote.(In complete honesty, I don't remember this story, but my Daddy has told me it every time I freak out over anything. I have heard it so often its almost like I remember... okay not really but here it is.) I was crying and freaking about out about something. And my Daddy walked up to me and asked me what I was doing. I said sniffling," I am panicking." My Daddy said "Why are you panicking" " I said" I don't know." And Daddy said " Then stop." And I was all like" Okay Daddy." and I snapped out of it. Moral of story freaking out doesn't help but I panic anyway. 

Before graduation, I was able to find employment at home. I have some kind of income and something to keep me busy. I am really grateful for this. Life requires income. And without income you can't get anywhere. It is a vicious cycle of needing money to get an education so you can make more money. Which leads to the last piece before the cycle starts again. 

My grad school, in the Wales, will only cost me $20,000 in tuition( I convert everything back to American for ease of my own planning). Which is the cheapest grad school program I have found. Yay for European Adventures being cheaper than staying in the States! Being the very type A person I am, I have made lists for everything, cost, things I will need to bring, classes, schedules for classes, potential living situations, and this list of lists continues. 

*Secret time* I LOVE budgeting. Now I am not the best at sticking to my budget, yet the arbitrary financial planning gives me a sense of control and I calm down significantly.

I have calculated that with the current exchange rate and cost of living and the recommended funding by the University. I will be needing $50,000. When I realized this my heart sank. I have never had that much money. ever. And what was I going to do. Even with my job I will only be making $14,000.00. I have applied for more scholarships and grants than I can count. Money is so unbelievably stressful. And as a very last resort I did something I really truly did not want to do. I created a go fund me account. I call it desperation. I mean every little bit helps. So its worth a try right?

Here is the link even a few dollars adds up quickly. 

gofundme.com/atauywxk  

I know its along shot but if you could donate to my future I will make sure to pay it forward. The being able to financially support myself gives me anxiety levels that can't be healthy. And it keeps me up late at night. 

Now that I am at the end of the cycle, it will start all over again. I know I can't be the only one who is experiencing this. So let us freak out over life together. 

I should start meditating.