The Deep Feels We Don't Share

Seeing as today is Leap day I thought it required a post. I mean I won't get an opportunity like this for four years.

First thing everyone should do is look at the google logo. Its absolutely precious. I mean, who doesn't love bunnies. Its like when a child crawls between parents while they are sleeping.

Second everyone should recognize that Leonard DiCaprio finally won an Oscar. I can confidently say that will is now a prized possession. An entire meme theme will be ended over this. This will no

Make sense, because now he does have one. 

Now for the important part. Today's actual post!

While at church yesterday, I was thinking about the people who have influenced my life. I thought about telling those people before and I had a reaction like this:

and then this:


and finally this:

And if history has anything to say it is that I won't be saying anything any time soon. I considered why I wouldn't do it. And the conclusion was that the fear of rejection was bigger than my fear of not knowing that I care as deeply as I do.  I asked a few friends about it. They had similar reasoning behind them not telling people how much they care.

I think we get caught up in our insecurities and we don't want to show more emotion than the other person. We take our cues from those around us. We are individuals and so we can expect to be anybody but who we are. We don't realize that we radiate energy. The way we feel or we what we are thinking is out there. and we don't know that. It is how you know someone is going to change lanes before they signal. Or when you see a person across the room and know they aren't happy. As people we don't realize that the way we treat people and the way we act is something other people admire. Instead we try and hide behind what we project and the actions of others.

I was trying to come up with ways of overcoming this.

One friend said "You have to not be afraid to say what you need to and don't ever regret it. Unless it was mean. Mean is not the new nice lol"
Now most of you who have read my previous blog posts know how I feel about "what if"s and regrets. I think we would have closer relationships if we were more vulnerable in our relationships. I am going to start telling the people in my life how much I appreciate them. It will be an experiment of vulnerability.

Obsessive Ruminating and Other Forms of Self-Torture

Ruminating is a verb that means to ponder deeply, or to chew the cud(like a cow). 

I have a problem where I ponder too deeply on things. I go from "oh the sun is bright today" to "wow, what if the sun exploded right... now!" and every other random sun related thought for a few minutes until I get distracted by something else. 

Valentine's day was Sunday. I love Valentine's Day. Yes, to many it is a hallmark holiday where people are taken advantage of to give presents they can't really afford and helps the rose, chocolate, and card industries. To me, it is a celebration of the positive influences and all the types of love (which I would discuss but that is a whole other blog post, which I did a few years ago here: http://lifeisworthadventuring.blogspot.com/2013/02/that-feeling-in-your-stomach.html).

This Valentine's Day was full to bursting with ruminating past relationships. It all started with the good moments, the thoughtful gestures, the adventures, the memories that still make me smile. All of those relationships ended for one reason or another whether it was cheating, lack of communication, or we just weren't a good match. Cheating in particularly, makes me feel rage. ( I obviously have strong feelings about it, and I have never cheated on anyone. Its sad that I feel the need to say that.) There are many hurt feels when I think about what I was responsible for with my previous relationships. It was eating me up inside for a large portion of the day. I kind of felt like a failure because they never worked out. I usually put all the blame on myself, even if there is no way it was my fault. 

I felt this:

Then I saw this:

And my reaction was this:

I have been well acquainted with fairy tales since I was little and I had never considered this. What if Cinderella had gone back and gotten her shoe and the prince had nothing to find her, and subsequently never did? Would they have lead separate lives and there would have been no happily ever after? Well that wouldn't have made a very good movie. And it is an over simplification to think that an entire story comes down to one pivotal moment. 

But that picture did teach me something else. Perpetually looking back will keep me from knowing where I am going in addition, to ignoring what I am currently surrounded by. I am currently single, like many of you. And this is the time I can use to try new things, adventure where I want to go without having to significantly consider anyone else. This will essentially be the last times in my life where I can be 100% selfish with my time.. So I decided to stop looking back so much. I will be working on me. And following my dreams: China, Wales and beyond! I will be getting an education. Right now, It feels lonely.

 

But I can appreciate the times when I do feel close, when I talk to close to friends, or create memories with  my siblings and the countless other things I can do with the absence of a significant other. 

I will no longer allow ruminating to control my life or to keep me from progressing. I will not reopen wounds, I will not wonder what I did wrong, I will not inflict blame on myself for things out of my control.

You shouldn't either. Here's to becoming emotionally liberated and facing towards the future.