2016: The Year of Perspective Change and Growth

2016 started with a bang. I was a recent college graduate, who had her most serious relationship fall apart. The loneliness was awful. Losing a best friend and confidant is not something I would wish on anyone. Luckily though, I had work prearranged, which meant I was working and keeping busy. My job at the hospital has always been great. It has its ups and downs of all jobs and generally I enjoyed it. I worked on a few projects over my time there and they were usually time consuming and brain numbing, but they helped me save for grad school and gave me experience.

In March, I went to China to visit my Aunt with my mother. it was a crazy experience to go there. Culturally it is nothing like anything I have ever experienced before. And it opened my eyes,once again, to how people can live differently and do things I don't understand, but still be happy. Split pants on babies are still odd to me, google it. It is so funny! I loved seeing the panda bears and this was the year they came of the endangered list. The amount of pollution and the level of need I saw in a few places really broke my heart. I think China has the potential to be one of the most beautiful places I have ever been, if the pollution was under control. I developed temporary asthma. And I coughed so hard I was ill almost every day. Living a life time with that is something I don't think I will ever comprehend. I can say I do miss people telling me how pretty I am and taking my picture. At the time it was kind of annoying, but it was definitely good for the confidence.

 Shortly after returning home, I started being a nanny. It was gratifying to help two little boys learn and grow over the course of a few months. They made a ton of progress and have the potential to be great people. I spent more time with them than their parents did which allowed me to see the affect it has on kids. All kids want is to be loved and spend time with their parent(s). They don't care about fancy new things. That is an adult construct. They want and need your time and attention as a parent. About half way through the summer I got really annoyed with my health. I was always tired, keeping up with the boys was difficult and I didn't feel good about me. Turns out over the course of a year I gained like 30 lbs due to a medication I was on. Side effects are real people! So I made a massive change. I started a doctor monitored weigh loss program through a local hospital. It was an interesting and awkward experience because it was focused at the severely obese. At my heaviest I was obese. I never thought I would get to that point. It happened so slowly I didn't even notice the weight gain. So this became the challenge. I have lost all the weight and am back to just below where I started. I have maintained this weight loss even with my big move to Wales, which in itself is a miracle. I had a lot of motivation to change. I had a goal to get healthy this year and I am in a much better place now. Next year I want to continue this, maintaining weight loss is really difficult. If I can maintain for 6 months, then my body will kind of reset, and this will become my new normal weight. I have 2 months to go. And I am determined. Once my weight "resets" I will be able to lose more weight, if I so choose to do so. I will because weight creep is an issue and I don't want to have to start over. Moving to Wales was really grateful this. The British palate is different than mine. Most fast food and junk foods don't really taste good to me; chocolate being the exception. and have mercy their chocolate is good! It helped a lot because, I couldn't stress eat anymore.

I was in Wales for a grand total of 91 days. The first 42 I count as my adjusting period. The beginning was really difficult. The accent was initially difficult to understand (especially on the elderly) the customs are different, and I had no idea what I was doing. This time consisted of learning mostly about where I am going, the difference in tipping, and how there are some words that are okay in one country, but not in the other.(side note: I have only made the word mistake a handful of times, and no one hates me, to my knowledge, so that is good).I honestly think I had to have been a miserable person to be around, since I was on the verge of a mental break down the whole time. Ironically, this is the time when I have been introduced to my friends in Wales. And they are fab for putting up with me ha ha.

Since coming to Wales I have moved twice, once into my first flat and then into my current house. My flat was sweet and my flat mates are amazing people, but it was such a small space I was feeling majorly claustrophobic and it was super far away from everything. I am currently living in a house, where my housemates are also amazing, but it is a much more centralized location and I have more than double the amount of space in my room. Moving into this house was the first time I encountered true issues for being an international student.Moving into my new house I had to pay double the deposit because I didn't have a parent/ guardian or relative to co-sign. I have never encountered this before, during my undergraduate degree, I didn't need a co-signer. It forced to rearrange my finances a little bit.

The next issue I encountered was finding work, which I have yet to do. I have applied for countless job, I have lost track. The number of rejection letter, or radio silence are equal to the number of applications I have submitted. A few people have mentioned that they don't hire anyone who can't work at least 30 hours a week. As an international student 20 is the maximum number of hours I can work. There is not a type of work I haven't applied for at this point, I have extended how far I am willing to travel and nothing. Talking to lots of my international student course mates, this is a common issue. No wonder people who study are drowning in debt if it is impossible. It is a system that punishes the people who have had to work twice as hard to get where they are going. Moving internationally is not cheap (I mean still cheaper than grad school in the States but still). I now understand the life of an immigrant much more. I feel deeply compassionate towards those who pick up their lives and move to a new place. They need a support system just like the rest of us and it is hard to find. I was really lucky, because of my being an active member of a church I immediately was able to find support. If I hadn't had them or their level of kindness, this would have been a very different experience. If there was a way to properly thank everyone I would, but I don't have the words or the means to do so. So love to everyone!!!!

Being home for Christmas has been lush. This is the first time in a few years when we all have been home. I am grateful for all the memories we have made and the things we have done. Even though we don't always get along I am glad I have them in my life( usually... just kidding). It is really hard to be thousands of miles from home. 2017 will be a year of hard work and travel. I have some big goals I want to accomplish, hopefully they will happen. Just remember, there is no such thing as being lost; only adventure.

Censorship and other Observations of China

As many of you might have noticed I went to China. And I didn't write a single blog post. I attempt to be as transparent as possible with my writing. In China, the government has complete control of what people say and share. I wanted to be permitted to speak my opinions without having to be concerned about it being taken down or blocked forever. 

Wile I was there, I took notes of my feelings so I could have something to write about later and remember how I was feeling. So let us start with things I didn't care for. 

Things I don't like about China:

 The me first mentality. There are 1.3 billion of people in China. BILLIONS. You don't realize how many people that is until every city you visit has over 10 million people.

Smoking, people smoke packs a day. There is no such thing as a smoke free to place. There is someone smoking every where. Even if there are no smoking signs. It makes the US look virtually smoke free. I honestly think if people would stop smoking it would help with the air pollution significantly. In addition, it would lower the cancer rate. Many people aren't aware of the cancer issues or the effect it has on other people. 

 Traffic, with so many people traffic is awful. Something that should take 10 minutes takes an hour sometimes. Also the worst part is the lack of rule following, maybe is the heritage of America, following rules, staying in lines, waiting turns. In China this doesn't happen .

Pollution is a huge problem. We couldn't see a few blocks away because the air quality was so poor.  I had to go out in a mask because I was coughing up a lung. I don't has asthma but I wouldn't recommend China for those with breathing problems. 

The spitting and hacking was so gross. This happens because of smoking and poor air quality. It is honestly one of the most repulsive sounds I heard on my trip. The most gross thing, to my American me, was the peeing and bowel movements in public. This is mostly done by children, but still. Sanitation is important and their standard is very different than ours.  

The hard "beds" I think of them more as plywood boards with sheets over top. I don't mind it but I am more appreciative of comfort.

 I like pickles, but they pickle everything in Asia. Most of it was good. Pickled everything gets old for me. I preferred the other Chinese flavors. And they are different in every city. I spent most of my time in Chengdu which is in the Sichuan area, which is know for very spicy food. They have a pepper that makes your tongue basically go numb. (La means spice. and Boo la means no spice. This is probably one of the most important phrases I learned!)

People thinking they can rip me off because I am a tourist. Many people see other types of currency as play money that doesn't really have value or they don't understand the exchange rate. This is something I was well aware of before I left.  1 dollar is 6 yuan. So when someone wants to charge you 100 yuan for a pen that is about $15. Pay attention, those people selling things make a killing because people don't pay attention.

Things I like about China: The history is amazing. It's 3000 years old!  They have records for most of that time. The people are kind. People tell me I am beautiful every day. I will be honest I do miss that. It built up my self esteem. They were so genuine about it. Haggling is awesome. I like being able to get the best deal I can.  The fact that no one knows how old I am. People couldn't tell the difference between my mother and I in age. I am an average height there. It was seriously nice to be able to see things and nit struggle to see. 

Amusing things: people almost crashing bikes or motorcycles because they are staring. This man was riding on his bike with a woman and a baby and he almost crashed staring at my family and me. There were a few other examples as well.

People compared their skin to mine. Being pale in Asia means you don't have to do hard physical labor outside. So the paler your skin the better. People gasped because of how white I am. In the Forbidden City  there was a place where you could dress up and look like an empress  or a princess and sit on a golden thrown. I took my jacket off to be able to put the dress on and the people working at the booth gasped. As if it was shocking. They kept telling me I was beautiful and I was pale and kept stroking my arms. I went to a mall and a woman pointed at me after we walked past her store. And she called out to me and she starting speaking into the women in her store. Our tour guide told me that she told those women that they could look like me if they used her cream. It was funny.

Lastly, people are shocked when they don't get to take advantage of me with haggling. It made me really happy to prove I am not a silly American who can be taken advantage of. 

Annoying things: Drunk men hitting on me. They would get too close. Chinese alcohol is is very strong. And a little bit goes a long way. People often over do it.

The car horns people honk for every single reason you can think of. Go, stop, I am passing you, pay attention, hi friend, moron and EVERY OTHER REASON. I also am not a big fan of almost dying when ever I go outside, because no one has regard for anyone else. I was very lucky to be with my aunt who looked out for me having smoke blown in my face. The last thing was having people pull on my arms to get my attention. Instead of waving or something, they tried to force me to do what they were trying to get my attention for.

Things I will miss: how kind people are, if I didn't understand people would volunteer to help me.
They are genuine with compliments.
 They are quietly proud of who they are and where they come from.  I don't like march with a big stick mentality. And we, Americans, happen to be very loudly proud of who are, what we stand for, and what we have done.

The regard for women is amazing. Men carry their purses and hug on them. They will be walking with their girlfriends and playing with their hair. It was really sweet to see. I wish men were like that here.

The sad things: There is a severe lack of education. People go to school for 15 hours a day! They start school at the age of three ( A toddler) and attend school all day. They memorize for a test and many students don't know how to apply the information they have "learned" To me this demonstrates the importance of application instead of a test. The suicide rate is very high in students because they never get a break.  I think America is on the same path for our education system and it makes me sad for the future.

People aren't really allowed to own property. They never pay off their mortgages. They have to continue to pay something for their entire lives. Most people can't afford to own property so they rent. That is why there are so many apartment buildings.

 Other government based things as well, there is a lot of corruption. They are making attempts to fix some of this. Honestly, unless you are in the country we have no clue what actually happens there. What they share with the media isn't an accurate representation of what is going on.  

Obsessive Ruminating and Other Forms of Self-Torture

Ruminating is a verb that means to ponder deeply, or to chew the cud(like a cow). 

I have a problem where I ponder too deeply on things. I go from "oh the sun is bright today" to "wow, what if the sun exploded right... now!" and every other random sun related thought for a few minutes until I get distracted by something else. 

Valentine's day was Sunday. I love Valentine's Day. Yes, to many it is a hallmark holiday where people are taken advantage of to give presents they can't really afford and helps the rose, chocolate, and card industries. To me, it is a celebration of the positive influences and all the types of love (which I would discuss but that is a whole other blog post, which I did a few years ago here: http://lifeisworthadventuring.blogspot.com/2013/02/that-feeling-in-your-stomach.html).

This Valentine's Day was full to bursting with ruminating past relationships. It all started with the good moments, the thoughtful gestures, the adventures, the memories that still make me smile. All of those relationships ended for one reason or another whether it was cheating, lack of communication, or we just weren't a good match. Cheating in particularly, makes me feel rage. ( I obviously have strong feelings about it, and I have never cheated on anyone. Its sad that I feel the need to say that.) There are many hurt feels when I think about what I was responsible for with my previous relationships. It was eating me up inside for a large portion of the day. I kind of felt like a failure because they never worked out. I usually put all the blame on myself, even if there is no way it was my fault. 

I felt this:

Then I saw this:

And my reaction was this:

I have been well acquainted with fairy tales since I was little and I had never considered this. What if Cinderella had gone back and gotten her shoe and the prince had nothing to find her, and subsequently never did? Would they have lead separate lives and there would have been no happily ever after? Well that wouldn't have made a very good movie. And it is an over simplification to think that an entire story comes down to one pivotal moment. 

But that picture did teach me something else. Perpetually looking back will keep me from knowing where I am going in addition, to ignoring what I am currently surrounded by. I am currently single, like many of you. And this is the time I can use to try new things, adventure where I want to go without having to significantly consider anyone else. This will essentially be the last times in my life where I can be 100% selfish with my time.. So I decided to stop looking back so much. I will be working on me. And following my dreams: China, Wales and beyond! I will be getting an education. Right now, It feels lonely.

 

But I can appreciate the times when I do feel close, when I talk to close to friends, or create memories with  my siblings and the countless other things I can do with the absence of a significant other. 

I will no longer allow ruminating to control my life or to keep me from progressing. I will not reopen wounds, I will not wonder what I did wrong, I will not inflict blame on myself for things out of my control.

You shouldn't either. Here's to becoming emotionally liberated and facing towards the future.