My mentor and friend Stephen Stokes

I was going through old pictures on my computer and I found this. The man in the picture with me is Stephen Stokes. Stephen died on 1 July 2016. At the age of 67 many feel he left this life much too early. I have been heartbroken since finding out. He taught at my university for decades. He had influence on everyone with whom he interacted. I took every one of his classes. There is not one person who didn't love this man. His classes were usually on what he called "the dirty underbelly of society", he taught social problems (which includes prison, drug abuse, poverty, pornography, rape and so on), drugs and society, race and ethnic relations, and a few others. I learned as much in class as out of class.  He was a teacher and a friend. He was so compassionate. He taught me the importance of kindness.

I was really sick my first time taking one of his classes, I ended up missing close to a third of the classes. I made sure to communicate the situation to him. Participation was a very important part of his classes, though it didn't effect your grade. He gave four tests and a paper, in every class, every semester. At the end of the semester, I was worried I was going to ruin my GPA. In order to maintain my GPA I needed to get an 80% on the last test. After expressing my concerns, the final test grade was released; though I was convinced I had failed the test, I managed to pull an 80.1% . Knowing this was completely impossible, I stayed after class for answer review. There were questions marked correct that were wrong. We met in his office after class was over and I asked him why he did it.
 Stephen Stokes said," You have enough to worry about with your health, you don't need something else to worry about. I know you know the material. Just focus on getting well." That kind of mercy is not common in an academic world.

After that semester I would meet with him frequently to discuss my future plans with my education, social problems, and all kinds of sociological. Those lunch meetings were one of my favorite memories of college. Being able to learn from him was easy, his quiet and easy going manner encouraged even the most stubborn student to have a desire to learn.

I know his family misses him. And I feel bad for all the students who won't have the opportunity to learn from an amazing man.

The Story of Anxiety Girl

A baby girl was born not breathing and that is how she gained her name: Anxiety girl. If she wasn't held she would cry, She was easily startled and afraid frequently as a child. At about four years old she decided she didn't wan to be afraid anymore. So she played pretend. She decided to be outgoing. She tried to make friends. And she started school. She wondered why people were mean.  She didn't fit in. She small and white, which is nothing like the other people in her school. As she grew up nothing really changed. She was still anxious. People were still challenging for her.

She still has problems with the anxiety. Every time she starts taking steps toward her future she freaks out, shuts down and feels dejected. If she has an argument she feels like she will lose their friendship. She thinks about it for hours afterwards, internally smacking herself for every perceived faux pas. If she has a disagreement with her parents she knows that as illogical as it is that they will kick her out and won't want to see her again. That she is no longer a priority and that she needs to start packing. Luckily she can logic her way out of most of these feelings now. As a child not so much.

She is working on it. A little bit every day.

My Desperate Attempt at Taking Control of my Future and Other Half Baked Ideas

I decided in a fit of desperation that I should attempt to come up with my own way of paying for grad school. Though I am kind of morally against begging or asking people for money I feet overwhelmed with the price tag that will soon be looming over my head. And I thought of different ideas of possibilities... My college go to was " if the college thing doesn't work out, then I will be a dancer in Vegas". Then I realized that I would be mortified with my life choices if I would follow through with that and give a last stitch effort to avoid it at all costs.

Now I am "educated". *quick side note* IT TAKES FOREVER TO GET YOUR DIPLOMA. I mean it has only been six weeks, but waiting for that piece of paper has stressed me out. It feels like my diploma will make it seem more real, that I am a college graduate and I am not just taking a break from school. 

I am currently working. My job consists of unstapling, scanning, purging old folders and chart room maintenance. My desk partner, sits in front of me and on a near daily basis asks me " Wouldn't you rather bus tables or something... anything else?" I enjoy being employed and my coworkers are awesome. I feel appreciate for the monotonous work I do and it keeps the flow going for everyone else. And this has eased some of the stress of which I will be responsible. There is still a significant portion of this that won't be covered. I have applied for second jobs, the kind that pay next to nothing. But next to nothing is a little something and I am okay with that. Legal income is legal income. Unfortunately, I am told time and again I am over qualified and so they will not have any positions available to me. And that is becoming an ever increasingly annoying back handed compliment. I mean I applied for the job, I obviously want it. Agh! Oh well, maybe I will find someone who needs a nanny in the evenings a few nights a week. 

Because of the job rejection, My anxious feelings about money became worse. I decided at about 3 in the morning that a GOFUNDME would be a good idea. Now I don't believe anything in life is free. It would be nice to be wrong, but its just not. GOFUNDME has given people opportunities to gain financial assistance as well as give as generously as they feel they can be. These two concepts are things I am very supportive of. In fact, I have donated to a few causes. I had to reevaluate my feelings about doing this. 

I am a prideful person. And I was initially ashamed that I did this. And I haven't been given much. But I am so grateful to have what I have been given that I have no reason to be upset. This isn't below me. There is nothing wrong with needing help.  

Here is another link to my campaign. 

https://www.gofundme.com/atauywxk