Being True to Myself: Family Cut-offs and Meeting My Emotional Needs

Over the past few weeks, I have had so much change. My university is moving locations. My job contract was shortened by two months unexpectedly. Finding a traineeship in the Bay has been challenging to nearly impossible. The hardest thing I have done though is walking away.

Just over a week ago, I decided to walk away from my family. I was skyping my sister for her birthday. I went through a lot of effort to get a thoughtful gift. I imported her favorite movies in her mission language so she could practice and enjoy them. It was met with an okay thanks, and then I was ignored for the remainder of the 20 minute video call. Now, for the layman out there, this is rude behavior.  For me, it is normal. I have come to expect my contributions will be immediately shot down. That I will be categorized as the one who doesn't actually know what she is talking about and thus dismissed. Its been basically my whole life. The first time I recognized that being treated this way I was about 13. I saw that my friends had parents they could talk to, who supported them in ways they recognized as care. My family noted a change in me. I was withdrawn and angry. This has pretty much been my established pattern for the past 12 years: I come home excited to see my family. Hopeful that we can have emotive conversation about things that actually matter. Something goes wrong, for which usually I am blamed. Then emotional implosion. This happy hopeful beginning doesn't ever last. In fact, I track the amount of time until things go south( IE me crying anywhere I can be alone). The longest I have ever made it was 3 days, this past Christmas. My sister got married tensions were going to be high. The shortest was 45 minutes, when I came home to visit my grandparents this past summer. One of the cats got out while I was bringing my luggage inside and I was told if he died it would be my fault.As is expected, for any person at this point, I avoid the family.

My Marriage and Family Therapy program requires that I go through my own counseling. Originally, I was put off by having to spend more money, in addition to tuition. I have never been more grateful for a graduation requirement. For the first time in my life, I am working through the pain of my life experience. I have learned so many things about myself. Arguably the most important thing thus far is: some people just can't meet my emotional needs; they can't handle it emotionally themselves or are disinterested.  Either way my family falls into this category. I have been bending over backwards doing things to try to bring my family closer together. I feel like that stereotypical dorky kid who is so desperate to be liked that they will do anything so the popular kids will accept them. Unfortunately, this never happens and it keeps this vicious cycle. I refuse to keep this going.

In the back of my mind, I want that 7th Heaven(as presented in the show, not the scandal that followed) /Hallmark family; love abounding, emotional support and communication galore. Alas, I am the extrovert in a family of introverts.  All of the ways they have tried to show they care (which coincidentally is the ways they want to be shown they care) are the exact ways to make me feel rejected and unwanted. Our base needs are different.While this has caused me to have some serious and lasting emotional baggage, it is not inherently their fault. They are just unable to meet my specific needs. Once I accepted this, it made it very clear to me I needed to make room to be sure there is room for everyone else to shift. I don't blame anyone. In fact, I am probably a stronger person for growing up this way, even if it was painful. The moments when I have had the support I need have been the highlights in my life. Moving to California, I have found friends who fill this role for me. We don't even do anything that special. We talk to each other for a few minutes a day. Like an exchange of, maybe, 10 facebook messages, maybe share an article or funny meme, and then go on with our days. We usually see each other once a week at a non church event. At these events we do all kinds of things: watch movies, go hot tubing, shop, try new recipes, or just talk. They usually last an hour or two. It's not really a huge time commitment. And it isn't the time or the activity that matters to me; its the consistency and reciprocity of effort.

All of this being said, I have decided to take a step back. I have disconnected with the people I have the biggest issues with in my family. Hopefully we can get to a point where we have a functional and mutually positive relationship.

This year I am determined to take care of my emotional health above all else. I know what I need and deserve to have emotionally. Why should I settle for anything else?

So I am going to:

• Rest when I need it. 
• I will be eating my veggies
• Making sure I get a lot of sunshine
• Exercising
• Writing more consistently
• Calling my grandparents
• Drinking herbal tea or Diet Coke
• Taking baths
• Trying new things (Adventures)
• And being as true to myself as I can be

What do you do for your emotional health?

Satan v Sara

The new year started and I was determined to be better than 2016. Much like most of the world it was not the best for me. I have a friend Sara who told me, at 20 that there is to be expected a mid 20s kick in the pants.... well it seems mine decided to make a a brief preview.

As a religious person I believe in Satan. A powerful negative being who influences people to do bad. If you reading this are not religious you should still be accustomed to the idea.

This week was amazing and complicated. And let me tell you Satan is enemy numero uno. I have been prepping to start my term again, it starts Tuesday. One of my professors has withdrawn from teaching on medical leave, she is ill. I hope she finds the helps she needs and that it doesn't effect my grades. My knew professors are more more stringent and that makes me a little nervous. We shall have to see.

During the middle of the week I had a meeting with my adviser. I learned that my program doesn't qualify me in the way I thought it did. So I panicked a little about what I was doing in Wales.(read as a three hour meltdown involving crying and skyping my mother since initially I thought it meant I wouldn't be able to get hired following graduation). I felt the biggest wave of doubt and hopelessness that I have ever felt to date. I was ready to pack my bags and leave forever. I felt like I had wasted the better part of 6 months of my life.I have rarely felt so alone in my life. I started praying when I finally slowed my  mind down enough to think  enough to do anything other than panic. And lets be real I was at the very end of my rope. I couldn't take anymore. The month of January was potentially the most trying month I have ever had. I won't go into it but it was something I wouldn't wish on the most evil people who have existed. And God in His love and compassion knew that I couldn't take anymore. The fear melted away and I figured out that I just need to have more supervised observation and I should be fully employable.

 I think I prayed more sincerely in the last month than I have in the past 3 years. And those years have been hard, they felt impossible. Satan put me through the ringer and he lost, as he always will.I won't let him. He has no right. I have come to far, we all have come too far to let him win.

There aren't very many times when I feel confident or strong in my faith. But today I do. And what a great feeling to have on a fast Sunday.

 Life has its ups and downs. Sometimes the peaks and valleys are small ripples and other times they feel like mountains. Either way they have to be conquered. 

My mentor and friend Stephen Stokes

I was going through old pictures on my computer and I found this. The man in the picture with me is Stephen Stokes. Stephen died on 1 July 2016. At the age of 67 many feel he left this life much too early. I have been heartbroken since finding out. He taught at my university for decades. He had influence on everyone with whom he interacted. I took every one of his classes. There is not one person who didn't love this man. His classes were usually on what he called "the dirty underbelly of society", he taught social problems (which includes prison, drug abuse, poverty, pornography, rape and so on), drugs and society, race and ethnic relations, and a few others. I learned as much in class as out of class.  He was a teacher and a friend. He was so compassionate. He taught me the importance of kindness.

I was really sick my first time taking one of his classes, I ended up missing close to a third of the classes. I made sure to communicate the situation to him. Participation was a very important part of his classes, though it didn't effect your grade. He gave four tests and a paper, in every class, every semester. At the end of the semester, I was worried I was going to ruin my GPA. In order to maintain my GPA I needed to get an 80% on the last test. After expressing my concerns, the final test grade was released; though I was convinced I had failed the test, I managed to pull an 80.1% . Knowing this was completely impossible, I stayed after class for answer review. There were questions marked correct that were wrong. We met in his office after class was over and I asked him why he did it.
 Stephen Stokes said," You have enough to worry about with your health, you don't need something else to worry about. I know you know the material. Just focus on getting well." That kind of mercy is not common in an academic world.

After that semester I would meet with him frequently to discuss my future plans with my education, social problems, and all kinds of sociological. Those lunch meetings were one of my favorite memories of college. Being able to learn from him was easy, his quiet and easy going manner encouraged even the most stubborn student to have a desire to learn.

I know his family misses him. And I feel bad for all the students who won't have the opportunity to learn from an amazing man.

Peace and Blessins, Peace and Blessins

I am so blessed! It has been crazy amazing. If you read my blog at all regularly you know money stresses me out. I have been given a great opportunity. We have a lot of projects that need to be done and I will be able to work a significant amount of over time. Which means I will get paid time and a half! This will help me make a dent in what feels like the impossible.

I will be making an extra couple thousand by the end of the summer. 

In addition, payday is today!

This is my link to my GOFUNDME:

 https://www.gofundme.com/atauywxk

Please donate! Help my dreams become a reality.

Normally I don't discuss the fact that I am super religious,but God is so good to me. He listens to my prayers.  And I am so full of gratitude. I will be able to be prepared for my future and what ever other things will be coming my way.  

I hope other opportunities come my way. 

Peace and Blessins

Sara