Sara and the year of no friends

I wrote this last April, and I know it needs to be shared:

Growing is rarely a comfortable process. It requires going against all internal warnings and going for it anyway.

For the past 172 days I have been living abroad. It has been hard. I have grown. My mind has been opened to a new way of doing things. Some of them for the better. I have seen things that to me are from fairy tales. Been to places that are more beautiful than the postcards, no photo can do Wales justice. 

I knew cognitively this would be hard. I thought it would get easier as time went on. Life has a way of pulling a fast one, I was wrong. Things started reasonably well. People make a massive effort when you are new. They offer you rides, check in with you, make sure that you know they noticed you. January, the 4 month mark for me is when my shiny newness wore off. And all of the sudden the little support system I though I created disappeared. People who I genuinely thought were my friends came up with reasons to not speak to me. Now I take partial responsibility, misunderstandings happen. But completely cutting someone out of your life because of a misunderstanding is petty and immature. The people who did this (yes, multiple) were the people who I spent a lot of time with before. They were burnt out and needed a reason to create space, and so they did. I felt lied to and abandoned. I understand it from a psychological point that they needed to restore balance in their own lives. 

I have been here for seven months and I had to put down emergency contacts for my placement paper work. I automatically put my parents down and handed the form back. The woman doing my orientation said I needed someone local. Trying to come up with someone was hard. I sat there for a solid five minutes trying to come up with someone. My mind was completely blank. There was not one name of a person I felt like if there was an accident I would feel comfortable calling. One person I could say, this person if I asked for help who wouldn't make me feel guilty for it later. One person who I wouldn't feel like a massive burden to. I eventually elected to leave them blank for now. I am just going to hope nothing happens.    

In some aspects this is good. I pride myself on being independent. This has forced the boundaries of what I thought I was capable of. I spend approximately 80% of my time alone, with in my room, usually working on school. The other 20% is spent in classes, whether school, church or otherwise, or making awkward small talk that never amounts to anything. There is no emotional connection. I am a social person, anyone who knows me knows I enjoy people. Without a support system I feel empty. I feel unwanted. This is the first time I have ever considered not coming to church. And its not a trial of my faith. It really comes down to the actions of one person. She makes me feel like a burden and judged. I won't leave because that only hurts me, but I have spoken to friends I have throughout the UK and apparently I am not the only one who has considered leaving because of this person. A few have left. And that is sad. This person has no idea. She will have to deal with it later. I feel bad for her. 

One of my biggest issues with the UK is the elitism. People see themselves as above each other and refuse to interact with people below their station. It is a load of crap. I don't believe in it. Some of the best lessons I have learned have been from poor black inner city children. According to society, they are beneath me. I don't see them that way. They have taught me a lot. It pushes people away. 

The passive aggressive behavior on top of it just makes it worse. People seem to be unable to have a straight forward conversation, saying their needs, discussing them, coming to a mutual conclusion and moving forward. It's ridiculous. The American way isn't always the right way by any means, but cut nuance and just tell me what you want. I can't read your mind. I can't fix anything if you don't tell me what you need or what. Correct me in a productive and positive way and then we can all move forward. Maybe people don't actually want to fix anything and they are just ok with being miserable people to associate with. 

Satan v Sara

The new year started and I was determined to be better than 2016. Much like most of the world it was not the best for me. I have a friend Sara who told me, at 20 that there is to be expected a mid 20s kick in the pants.... well it seems mine decided to make a a brief preview.

As a religious person I believe in Satan. A powerful negative being who influences people to do bad. If you reading this are not religious you should still be accustomed to the idea.

This week was amazing and complicated. And let me tell you Satan is enemy numero uno. I have been prepping to start my term again, it starts Tuesday. One of my professors has withdrawn from teaching on medical leave, she is ill. I hope she finds the helps she needs and that it doesn't effect my grades. My knew professors are more more stringent and that makes me a little nervous. We shall have to see.

During the middle of the week I had a meeting with my adviser. I learned that my program doesn't qualify me in the way I thought it did. So I panicked a little about what I was doing in Wales.(read as a three hour meltdown involving crying and skyping my mother since initially I thought it meant I wouldn't be able to get hired following graduation). I felt the biggest wave of doubt and hopelessness that I have ever felt to date. I was ready to pack my bags and leave forever. I felt like I had wasted the better part of 6 months of my life.I have rarely felt so alone in my life. I started praying when I finally slowed my  mind down enough to think  enough to do anything other than panic. And lets be real I was at the very end of my rope. I couldn't take anymore. The month of January was potentially the most trying month I have ever had. I won't go into it but it was something I wouldn't wish on the most evil people who have existed. And God in His love and compassion knew that I couldn't take anymore. The fear melted away and I figured out that I just need to have more supervised observation and I should be fully employable.

 I think I prayed more sincerely in the last month than I have in the past 3 years. And those years have been hard, they felt impossible. Satan put me through the ringer and he lost, as he always will.I won't let him. He has no right. I have come to far, we all have come too far to let him win.

There aren't very many times when I feel confident or strong in my faith. But today I do. And what a great feeling to have on a fast Sunday.

 Life has its ups and downs. Sometimes the peaks and valleys are small ripples and other times they feel like mountains. Either way they have to be conquered.