Just over a week ago, I decided to walk away from my family. I was skyping my sister for her birthday. I went through a lot of effort to get a thoughtful gift. I imported her favorite movies in her mission language so she could practice and enjoy them. It was met with an okay thanks, and then I was ignored for the remainder of the 20 minute video call. Now, for the layman out there, this is rude behavior. For me, it is normal. I have come to expect my contributions will be immediately shot down. That I will be categorized as the one who doesn't actually know what she is talking about and thus dismissed. Its been basically my whole life. The first time I recognized that being treated this way I was about 13. I saw that my friends had parents they could talk to, who supported them in ways they recognized as care. My family noted a change in me. I was withdrawn and angry. This has pretty much been my established pattern for the past 12 years: I come home excited to see my family. Hopeful that we can have emotive conversation about things that actually matter. Something goes wrong, for which usually I am blamed. Then emotional implosion. This happy hopeful beginning doesn't ever last. In fact, I track the amount of time until things go south( IE me crying anywhere I can be alone). The longest I have ever made it was 3 days, this past Christmas. My sister got married tensions were going to be high. The shortest was 45 minutes, when I came home to visit my grandparents this past summer. One of the cats got out while I was bringing my luggage inside and I was told if he died it would be my fault.As is expected, for any person at this point, I avoid the family.
My Marriage and Family Therapy program requires that I go through my own counseling. Originally, I was put off by having to spend more money, in addition to tuition. I have never been more grateful for a graduation requirement. For the first time in my life, I am working through the pain of my life experience. I have learned so many things about myself. Arguably the most important thing thus far is: some people just can't meet my emotional needs; they can't handle it emotionally themselves or are disinterested. Either way my family falls into this category. I have been bending over backwards doing things to try to bring my family closer together. I feel like that stereotypical dorky kid who is so desperate to be liked that they will do anything so the popular kids will accept them. Unfortunately, this never happens and it keeps this vicious cycle. I refuse to keep this going.
In the back of my mind, I want that 7th Heaven(as presented in the show, not the scandal that followed) /Hallmark family; love abounding, emotional support and communication galore. Alas, I am the extrovert in a family of introverts. All of the ways they have tried to show they care (which coincidentally is the ways they want to be shown they care) are the exact ways to make me feel rejected and unwanted. Our base needs are different.While this has caused me to have some serious and lasting emotional baggage, it is not inherently their fault. They are just unable to meet my specific needs. Once I accepted this, it made it very clear to me I needed to make room to be sure there is room for everyone else to shift. I don't blame anyone. In fact, I am probably a stronger person for growing up this way, even if it was painful. The moments when I have had the support I need have been the highlights in my life. Moving to California, I have found friends who fill this role for me. We don't even do anything that special. We talk to each other for a few minutes a day. Like an exchange of, maybe, 10 facebook messages, maybe share an article or funny meme, and then go on with our days. We usually see each other once a week at a non church event. At these events we do all kinds of things: watch movies, go hot tubing, shop, try new recipes, or just talk. They usually last an hour or two. It's not really a huge time commitment. And it isn't the time or the activity that matters to me; its the consistency and reciprocity of effort.
All of this being said, I have decided to take a step back. I have disconnected with the people I have the biggest issues with in my family. Hopefully we can get to a point where we have a functional and mutually positive relationship.
This year I am determined to take care of my emotional health above all else. I know what I need and deserve to have emotionally. Why should I settle for anything else?
So I am going to:
- Rest when I need it.
- I will be eating my veggies
- Making sure I get a lot of sunshine
- Exercising
- Writing more consistently
- Calling my grandparents
- Drinking herbal tea or Diet Coke
- Taking baths
- Trying new things (Adventures)
- And being as true to myself as I can be
What do you do for your emotional health?
