The Deep Feels We Don't Share

Seeing as today is Leap day I thought it required a post. I mean I won't get an opportunity like this for four years.

First thing everyone should do is look at the google logo. Its absolutely precious. I mean, who doesn't love bunnies. Its like when a child crawls between parents while they are sleeping.

Second everyone should recognize that Leonard DiCaprio finally won an Oscar. I can confidently say that will is now a prized possession. An entire meme theme will be ended over this. This will no

Make sense, because now he does have one. 

Now for the important part. Today's actual post!

While at church yesterday, I was thinking about the people who have influenced my life. I thought about telling those people before and I had a reaction like this:

and then this:


and finally this:

And if history has anything to say it is that I won't be saying anything any time soon. I considered why I wouldn't do it. And the conclusion was that the fear of rejection was bigger than my fear of not knowing that I care as deeply as I do.  I asked a few friends about it. They had similar reasoning behind them not telling people how much they care.

I think we get caught up in our insecurities and we don't want to show more emotion than the other person. We take our cues from those around us. We are individuals and so we can expect to be anybody but who we are. We don't realize that we radiate energy. The way we feel or we what we are thinking is out there. and we don't know that. It is how you know someone is going to change lanes before they signal. Or when you see a person across the room and know they aren't happy. As people we don't realize that the way we treat people and the way we act is something other people admire. Instead we try and hide behind what we project and the actions of others.

I was trying to come up with ways of overcoming this.

One friend said "You have to not be afraid to say what you need to and don't ever regret it. Unless it was mean. Mean is not the new nice lol"
Now most of you who have read my previous blog posts know how I feel about "what if"s and regrets. I think we would have closer relationships if we were more vulnerable in our relationships. I am going to start telling the people in my life how much I appreciate them. It will be an experiment of vulnerability.

The Story of Anxiety Girl

A baby girl was born not breathing and that is how she gained her name: Anxiety girl. If she wasn't held she would cry, She was easily startled and afraid frequently as a child. At about four years old she decided she didn't wan to be afraid anymore. So she played pretend. She decided to be outgoing. She tried to make friends. And she started school. She wondered why people were mean.  She didn't fit in. She small and white, which is nothing like the other people in her school. As she grew up nothing really changed. She was still anxious. People were still challenging for her.

She still has problems with the anxiety. Every time she starts taking steps toward her future she freaks out, shuts down and feels dejected. If she has an argument she feels like she will lose their friendship. She thinks about it for hours afterwards, internally smacking herself for every perceived faux pas. If she has a disagreement with her parents she knows that as illogical as it is that they will kick her out and won't want to see her again. That she is no longer a priority and that she needs to start packing. Luckily she can logic her way out of most of these feelings now. As a child not so much.

She is working on it. A little bit every day.

Obsessive Ruminating and Other Forms of Self-Torture

Ruminating is a verb that means to ponder deeply, or to chew the cud(like a cow). 

I have a problem where I ponder too deeply on things. I go from "oh the sun is bright today" to "wow, what if the sun exploded right... now!" and every other random sun related thought for a few minutes until I get distracted by something else. 

Valentine's day was Sunday. I love Valentine's Day. Yes, to many it is a hallmark holiday where people are taken advantage of to give presents they can't really afford and helps the rose, chocolate, and card industries. To me, it is a celebration of the positive influences and all the types of love (which I would discuss but that is a whole other blog post, which I did a few years ago here: http://lifeisworthadventuring.blogspot.com/2013/02/that-feeling-in-your-stomach.html).

This Valentine's Day was full to bursting with ruminating past relationships. It all started with the good moments, the thoughtful gestures, the adventures, the memories that still make me smile. All of those relationships ended for one reason or another whether it was cheating, lack of communication, or we just weren't a good match. Cheating in particularly, makes me feel rage. ( I obviously have strong feelings about it, and I have never cheated on anyone. Its sad that I feel the need to say that.) There are many hurt feels when I think about what I was responsible for with my previous relationships. It was eating me up inside for a large portion of the day. I kind of felt like a failure because they never worked out. I usually put all the blame on myself, even if there is no way it was my fault. 

I felt this:

Then I saw this:

And my reaction was this:

I have been well acquainted with fairy tales since I was little and I had never considered this. What if Cinderella had gone back and gotten her shoe and the prince had nothing to find her, and subsequently never did? Would they have lead separate lives and there would have been no happily ever after? Well that wouldn't have made a very good movie. And it is an over simplification to think that an entire story comes down to one pivotal moment. 

But that picture did teach me something else. Perpetually looking back will keep me from knowing where I am going in addition, to ignoring what I am currently surrounded by. I am currently single, like many of you. And this is the time I can use to try new things, adventure where I want to go without having to significantly consider anyone else. This will essentially be the last times in my life where I can be 100% selfish with my time.. So I decided to stop looking back so much. I will be working on me. And following my dreams: China, Wales and beyond! I will be getting an education. Right now, It feels lonely.

 

But I can appreciate the times when I do feel close, when I talk to close to friends, or create memories with  my siblings and the countless other things I can do with the absence of a significant other. 

I will no longer allow ruminating to control my life or to keep me from progressing. I will not reopen wounds, I will not wonder what I did wrong, I will not inflict blame on myself for things out of my control.

You shouldn't either. Here's to becoming emotionally liberated and facing towards the future. 

Peace and Blessins, Peace and Blessins

I am so blessed! It has been crazy amazing. If you read my blog at all regularly you know money stresses me out. I have been given a great opportunity. We have a lot of projects that need to be done and I will be able to work a significant amount of over time. Which means I will get paid time and a half! This will help me make a dent in what feels like the impossible.

I will be making an extra couple thousand by the end of the summer. 

In addition, payday is today!

This is my link to my GOFUNDME:

 https://www.gofundme.com/atauywxk

Please donate! Help my dreams become a reality.

Normally I don't discuss the fact that I am super religious,but God is so good to me. He listens to my prayers.  And I am so full of gratitude. I will be able to be prepared for my future and what ever other things will be coming my way.  

I hope other opportunities come my way. 

Peace and Blessins

Sara

The Year of the Monkey

The Lunar New Year has been something I celebrated since I was little. We celebrate with ordering American Chinese food. This year is going to be an exciting year. In 29 days I will be heading on an adventure of a life time. I will be heading to China! This has been a dream come true. It has been on my bucket list. I will be heading to

 Cheng Du:

,

 my Aunt and Uncle currently live there. 

We will also be going to Xi'an:

, 

Hong Kong:

, 

Beijing:

 

Shanghai:

 

This is a once in a life time opportunity. 

Every time I travel, I feel like I am exposed to a new aspect to myself. When I went to Europe I felt like I finally understood where I came from. Being of European descent  I was able to see where my family used to be. It shaped my ancestors and lead to me. Having an understanding of that is really important. Conquering China will have a big influence on my life. The Asian culture permeates life and I feel like I will have a more realistic view of the world. I will be able to see poverty I have never witnessed before. I will be a total minority, I won't speak the language. I feel like those kinds of extremes teach important life lessons. 

I will be boarding a plane in 29 days and counting! Lets see where this adventure takes me. 

My Desperate Attempt at Taking Control of my Future and Other Half Baked Ideas

I decided in a fit of desperation that I should attempt to come up with my own way of paying for grad school. Though I am kind of morally against begging or asking people for money I feet overwhelmed with the price tag that will soon be looming over my head. And I thought of different ideas of possibilities... My college go to was " if the college thing doesn't work out, then I will be a dancer in Vegas". Then I realized that I would be mortified with my life choices if I would follow through with that and give a last stitch effort to avoid it at all costs.

Now I am "educated". *quick side note* IT TAKES FOREVER TO GET YOUR DIPLOMA. I mean it has only been six weeks, but waiting for that piece of paper has stressed me out. It feels like my diploma will make it seem more real, that I am a college graduate and I am not just taking a break from school. 

I am currently working. My job consists of unstapling, scanning, purging old folders and chart room maintenance. My desk partner, sits in front of me and on a near daily basis asks me " Wouldn't you rather bus tables or something... anything else?" I enjoy being employed and my coworkers are awesome. I feel appreciate for the monotonous work I do and it keeps the flow going for everyone else. And this has eased some of the stress of which I will be responsible. There is still a significant portion of this that won't be covered. I have applied for second jobs, the kind that pay next to nothing. But next to nothing is a little something and I am okay with that. Legal income is legal income. Unfortunately, I am told time and again I am over qualified and so they will not have any positions available to me. And that is becoming an ever increasingly annoying back handed compliment. I mean I applied for the job, I obviously want it. Agh! Oh well, maybe I will find someone who needs a nanny in the evenings a few nights a week. 

Because of the job rejection, My anxious feelings about money became worse. I decided at about 3 in the morning that a GOFUNDME would be a good idea. Now I don't believe anything in life is free. It would be nice to be wrong, but its just not. GOFUNDME has given people opportunities to gain financial assistance as well as give as generously as they feel they can be. These two concepts are things I am very supportive of. In fact, I have donated to a few causes. I had to reevaluate my feelings about doing this. 

I am a prideful person. And I was initially ashamed that I did this. And I haven't been given much. But I am so grateful to have what I have been given that I have no reason to be upset. This isn't below me. There is nothing wrong with needing help.  

Here is another link to my campaign. 

https://www.gofundme.com/atauywxk