99 problems and a stitch is... all of them

When I was a little girl my mom would make me Easter dresses and every Halloween costume I can remember. That is one of my favourite memories. We still have a few of those dresses. I decided for this year, I needed to learn a new skill or better a skill I already had. So I decided to work on my sewing skills. I want to be able to make things for my future kids, my nieces and nephews, and my friend's kids. I decided to make matching dresses for me and my cousin Sophie; we share the same birthday. I chose Violet Field Thread Patterns because I thought they were so stinkin' cute! I chose the Chloe for my little cousin and the Harlow for myself!

How cute are these:
Chloe:

Harlow:

(these pictures are the ones that come with the pattern, and are probably copywritten)

I took a sewing class in college. It was two years ago. I started with the basics and lets say I am rusty. I had to ask for a lot of help on my first project. I made a dress. Its super cute. I won't post pictures of it. This one will be much better.

One day wondering through Joann's I found the perfect dream fabric. It took weeks for it to wait to be on sale. 

I picked fabric from Joann's. Its apparel fabric. How cute is the circle lace?

Printable patterns are my new favourite thing! You can reprint them as many times as you want. I love that because now I can make these dresses for as many girls as I want. 

First I pinned and cut the lining, Lining, when cutting, always feels crunchy to me. Pinning is honestly the hardest part. Make sure the fabric is smooth and on the grain.

Then I pinned the pattern pieces to the lace and cut those.

I was really glad. The sewing really took no time at all. I was really pleased with the result.

Today I finished my second cousin's dress! Its so cute!

I didn't really take pictures in between. I will be completely honest, I get manic once the needles are involved, but here is the finished product.

My gorgeous mother is presenting:


and here is a close up:
 

The skirt is fully lined as is the bodice. I am really am proud of it.

I can't wait to see it on her!

Mid Year Goal Review

It being half way through the year it is the ideal time to reevaluate this years goals and reflect.  I have made a few of my goals already and I am very proud of me. 

I wanted to get a scholarship to help me pay tuition. And I did it. It took a lot of prayer and faith. I am very grateful for this scholarship. It will take a significant portion of my tuition payment away. 

A few months ago I went to the doctor. I found out that a medication I was on made me gain a lot of weight. When your trousers no longer fit, you know this, but I didn't understand why. It was the medication. At the beginning of the year I decided to become more healthy and work out more regularly. It didn't really make a difference and now that I am  not longer on that medication I have seen results. Yay! 

There are a few other goals I can't do until I head to grad school. I am so excited to leave. I am just waiting on my visa. It seems like I should be used to this after Saudi Arabia; being me it is just as frustrating as in 2014. 

In the past six months, I have learned a few things. I miss college. The life style was fun. I enjoyed living with friends or peers who were also at the relative phase in life. Living in that kind of support system is something I took for granted. I miss being able to flop on my roommate's bed and talk about my feelings. Or have the opportunity to stay up late laughing and dancing until sunrise. I miss classes. I miss homework. I miss learning. I want to be a life long learner. There have been measures taken in my life to do this. Yes I am that nerd. Its a good thing I am going to grad school. I miss it. 

Now I never ever thought that I would miss it. My last semester was rough. As my mother how many times I called home and said I was quitting. It was an almost weekly or biweekly occurrence. It usually involved some hysterics and dramatic throwing of myself on the floor. I can't wait to have it happen again, in an odd way. 

The next six months will be great!

Feel the Void and Other life Changing Typos

I openly discuss the fact that I have anxiety. It causes me to do a lot of things that I internally smack myself around for at least a week, sometimes longer(depending heavily on what I did). When anxious I frequently talk too much, over state things, or take things too far. 

And that is my reality. It sucks sometimes. It is not fun questioning and reliving every moment of your life, analyzing it for hours. It is something that I look forward working through some day. And some days are better than others. For example, I am much better than I was 10 years ago, or even six months ago. I have tools I use them. Having support is really important. It is difficult to understand something that you haven't experienced before. I will never understand what it is like to be Black, Asian, Hispanic, male, tall or any number of things. And I accept that. I try to understand how someone is feeling though. An emotional connect can overcome most levels of misunderstanding. 

About 24 hours ago, I all of the sudden was in this mood. I felt empty. That feeling of something missing, like when you wear a piece of jewlery (a watch or a ring) and you take it off and feeling like something important is missing. I didn't understand what was going on. I was having a great day. I went shopping with my mom, I got to talk with a few old friends, I even ate my favorite foods. Yet I felt empty. I pegged it as a flare up of depression, which usually goes hand  in hand with anxiety. It was a nagging feeling, I couldn't figure out why I felt wrong. I felt off balance. And then it hit me. I wasn't depressed. Sure I had all of the symptoms, I was tired, kind of empty inside. It didn't matter though. 

I realized I wasn't feeling anxious. For the first time in months. This past year had a lot of stressful experiences for me: college, graduation, general adulting, failed relationships, my sister coming home from her mission, and many others. All of those are good reasons for being anxious, general life anxieties, on top of my normal elevated anxiety. It became a lot to handle. The first time of not being anxious made me tired. Anxiety is exhausting and it is my norm. 

I told my daddy how I was feeling and he said I should "...start something positive to feel the void. Then you can enjoy less anxiety and have something important to focus on. Remember you deserve good."

Many people go to my daddy for advice, with good reason. This is just gold. Learning to enjoy what you have is a life long endeavor. Some people learn contentment at a young age, and some people never learn.  Exploring the emptiness I was feeling was odd. Its like walking through a friends house in the dark. I was bumbling around, unfamiliar with my surroundings. Learning to be emotionally liberated is odd and uncomfortable. Accepting all of your feelings for what they are is scary. It is one of the things that make us human though. And feeling them, with all their potential, is a lot to feel. Learning to enjoy less anxiety was easy. After getting over the initial shock I just jumped into things. It was nice not to have too many second thoughts. 

I am slowly learning to be a better person, just like everyone else around me. 

Learn to feel your voids and life is a lot happier.

Facebook Rants and Other things I have Avoided

Over the past few weeks there have been major changes in my life. I started a second job; I quit that job. I quit my job at the hospital. And I have been trying not to panic. 

I thought I could handle two jobs, let me tell you. I cannot. I am just not made to do it. My anxiety level went to an unmanageable level. I had to quit. They were really understanding about it. It was kinda surprising honestly, but I am grateful. I would totally love to work there in the future. It was great the few days I did work there. 

The hospital job, has been some place I worked for the summer for the past six years. It provided most of my income to support myself and some school expenses. I started when I was barely 18. I worked my hardest every year.  It has been consistent and many of my coworkers were great. A few people could not let me grow up, they felt I needed their specific supervision. I am an adult, I am independent and I was very good at meeting deadlines and my job in general. 

I realized it was time to move on. And if I am being my candid self, a few coworkers kept reporting me as not doing my work. I wish people could stay in their own lanes and focus on their work. It got so bad that I didn't enjoy it anymore and I knew I had to leave. Work place bullying is a problem. If you are reading this, please judge people on their work and their ability not their age. Age is not always a reflection of experience. 

I will miss my friends at work. They are great people. I miss it, but it was a safe place. There was a lot of learning on my part. It has helped me become the person I need to me. At this point in life, growth and personal development are vital. Every choice I make matters. I need to stretch myself as much as I can. 

Another reason I left is because my University said I need 400 hours working with children, before I start my program.

 This solidified that I needed to leave. Up until this point, I was unaware of this requirement. Upon this discovery, the search began. After a pretty intense freak out of  

I made a profile for a nanny website. I had many job offers. It took some research and a few interviews.

 I found a job to be a nanny! 

I didn't mention all of this to anyone because I was experiencing like 5 emotions at once. 

I felt like my brain couldn't take all of this.

And this would have been my reality:

And there would be a lot of this:

People do not need facebook rants. I don't need to dump on other people. I wanted to tell everyone. I just couldn't do that to other people. So I bottled it up until there was some stability again. Keeping my mouth shut was a really good choice. It would have been a crazy roller coaster that no one else needed to go on. Most would think I was a train wreck. 

My ducks are in a row( for the time being). I am a happy camper. 

Y'all Don't Even Know

Two More days!

AHHHHHH!

My sister gets home from her mission to the Belgium Netherlands mission. She went Dutch Speaking. She sent this picture this week. This is amazing. 

She also sent a really sweet testimony:

 "On Sunday I was able to speak in church, to thank the branch for everything they have done and to talk about my mission. I know I have a lot more to learn but I have learned a whole lot. I've learned to rely on my Heavenly Father and that He hears and answers our prayers in a very personal way. I know that the gospel of Jesus Christ was restored through Joseph Smith and that the Book of Mormon is the word of God. I know that we all make mistakes, but thanks to the Atonement of Jesus Christ, we don't have to be defined by any of them. We are blessed to be able to always change and improve.

I love Belgium and the Netherlands, they will always have a piece of my heart. I love the amazing people I've met here, they've changed me and I'll never forget them. This email isn't enough to say everything that I want to, but no email would be. Fortunately, I have the rest of forever to talk about my mission :)

Ik ben enthousiast om jullie te zien hoewel het ook moeilijk is om afscheid te nemen. ik hoop dat jullie een hee fijne week hebben! Tot straks! (I'm excited to see you although it 's hard to say goodbye. I hope you have a nice week! See you later!)"

I have loved seeing how my sister grow through the past 18 months. She has really changed for the better and I am really proud of her giving her all to something she truly believes.

I know that she will be a different person when she gets home. She is one of my best friends. She is going to be a different person now, in all the best ways. I am excited to get to know the new her all over again. 

Risky business: Finding Joy

So the past few days have been a true growing experience. Last night there was a church meeting 18 to 30 women and the younger ones could bring their parents. It was so uplifting. The last speaker really touched me. His topic was "The Joy of Taking Risk". 

My mind bounced from a few different thoughts. What is this guy thinking? Risks and joy, do they even go together? If they do go together, how does it apply to me?

The speaker was named Elder Sinclair. He is an Area 70 in my church. He started with discussing the concept of  performance management. The story of the prince who asked Christ what he needed to do to be with God again. This story is found in  Mark 10:17-22. My interpretation has always been "Okay, he just wanted to know what else he needed to do."

 Elder Sinclair's was different.  The prince wanted a pat on the head and Christ to say "well done my good and faithful servant". Instead, Christ said give up all the things of this world and follow me. 

Doing the will of God leads to joy. I have been more happy doing the things that I know are right. This man left the presence of Christ down trodden. He said he couldn't do what Christ was asking to do. The man was not ready to take the risk.  

Are we ready to take the risks God needs us to take?

Bits and Blessings

The past few days have been really exciting for me. I got a second job which will help with my school costs. I am filled with gratitude at the opportunity. It will be fun working at Soma. The intimate apparel store. Soma is a brand known for high quality and being able to help all kinds of women. They go up to a 44G cup, which is awesome. This covers more sizes than most other brands.This will give experience and the opportunity to be able to have less debt for grad school!

In addition, I was offered a scholarship!

They will be taking a few grand off of my tuition! It takes a pretty significant portion away of my worry. The scholarship I was awarded was for academic merit. I am so unbelievable blessed. 

There has never been an offer made, to me, for academic achievement ever. I am not  that strong of a student. I haven't been since I was little. Everyone has strengths and book learning is not mine. I have been so blessed. I mean I am just a few thousand closer, but that is so much better than before. 

Money is the biggest stress currently. It keeps me up late at night, it will continue to get better. The closer to my goal, the better I feel about my choices. I hope that I will be employed soon after graduation and I will pay off any debt I have then. For the sake of progress small sacrifices have to be made.