28 Days: All Good Things Come to an End

Well ladies and Gents,

My British adventure comes to an end in. I move back in 28 short days. 

Time here has been a learning and growing experience. School has given me a new perspective on my expectations for children. Living in another country has shown me a different way of life. There have been so many people that I am grateful I met. And some people I am wholly grateful will be 3,799 miles away. Both types of people have taught me more about myself than I expected. 

I have learned to trust my instincts and that I am stronger than I knew. Moving to a new country alone took more courage than I thought I would ever have. It paid off. 

I have a lot to do between now and then. I need to sell everything I can't bring back. I need to clean my house and pack. I have to work on my dissertation and a re-submission. 

I have come up with a bucket list of things I want to do before I leave, as it will be a really long time before I will make it across the pond again. 

1. I want to go to Harry Potter Studios

Harry Potter consisted of most of my childhood. I loved reading because I loved these books. The first book came out in  June 1997, I was just over 4. And the last Harry Potter film (of the original series) came out July 2011, which is just over 6 weeks after I graduated from high school. Needless to say it has been a huge influence on my life. Sentimental as I am it made the top of the list

2. I want to go to Rhossili Bay, at Sunset, on my last Sunday here

This was one of the first beaches I went to in Wales. If you haven't been down the Gower make it a priority. This beach has been in the top 10 most beautiful beaches in the WORLD and top in the UK, as of 2014. I would love to take photos to commemorate the end of an era. 

3. Kaspa's 

It is a dessert bar and has been the place I go to celebrate. The local one had some health code issues but maybe I will find a different... or just risk it.

4. Hike Pen-y-Fan 

This is the highest peak  in South Wales. And I want to take a place with the marker.

Time is winding down quickly. 

What am I doing next? 

I don't completely know yet but....

I am ready for my next step and a new adventure!

So now I can say lets adventure and:

  

Feel the Void and Other life Changing Typos

I openly discuss the fact that I have anxiety. It causes me to do a lot of things that I internally smack myself around for at least a week, sometimes longer(depending heavily on what I did). When anxious I frequently talk too much, over state things, or take things too far. 

And that is my reality. It sucks sometimes. It is not fun questioning and reliving every moment of your life, analyzing it for hours. It is something that I look forward working through some day. And some days are better than others. For example, I am much better than I was 10 years ago, or even six months ago. I have tools I use them. Having support is really important. It is difficult to understand something that you haven't experienced before. I will never understand what it is like to be Black, Asian, Hispanic, male, tall or any number of things. And I accept that. I try to understand how someone is feeling though. An emotional connect can overcome most levels of misunderstanding. 

About 24 hours ago, I all of the sudden was in this mood. I felt empty. That feeling of something missing, like when you wear a piece of jewlery (a watch or a ring) and you take it off and feeling like something important is missing. I didn't understand what was going on. I was having a great day. I went shopping with my mom, I got to talk with a few old friends, I even ate my favorite foods. Yet I felt empty. I pegged it as a flare up of depression, which usually goes hand  in hand with anxiety. It was a nagging feeling, I couldn't figure out why I felt wrong. I felt off balance. And then it hit me. I wasn't depressed. Sure I had all of the symptoms, I was tired, kind of empty inside. It didn't matter though. 

I realized I wasn't feeling anxious. For the first time in months. This past year had a lot of stressful experiences for me: college, graduation, general adulting, failed relationships, my sister coming home from her mission, and many others. All of those are good reasons for being anxious, general life anxieties, on top of my normal elevated anxiety. It became a lot to handle. The first time of not being anxious made me tired. Anxiety is exhausting and it is my norm. 

I told my daddy how I was feeling and he said I should "...start something positive to feel the void. Then you can enjoy less anxiety and have something important to focus on. Remember you deserve good."

Many people go to my daddy for advice, with good reason. This is just gold. Learning to enjoy what you have is a life long endeavor. Some people learn contentment at a young age, and some people never learn.  Exploring the emptiness I was feeling was odd. Its like walking through a friends house in the dark. I was bumbling around, unfamiliar with my surroundings. Learning to be emotionally liberated is odd and uncomfortable. Accepting all of your feelings for what they are is scary. It is one of the things that make us human though. And feeling them, with all their potential, is a lot to feel. Learning to enjoy less anxiety was easy. After getting over the initial shock I just jumped into things. It was nice not to have too many second thoughts. 

I am slowly learning to be a better person, just like everyone else around me. 

Learn to feel your voids and life is a lot happier.