Cue the Happy Dance: Winning at this Adult-ing thing

It has been a few weeks since I have posted an update for my schooling adventure!

After a months long battle with the FBI, which I won, I was able to move forward with all of the documentation and other hoops to get read for school. Honestly, this is like a mental tough mudder.

For future reference this is how applying for an FBI back ground check goes.

A 12-step program:

1. Spend 20 minutes filling out the form and pay online.

2. Wait in line for two hours to get finger printed like a common criminal

(that ink stains be careful, they give you nifty wipes and it goes away)

3. Mail the envelope to the FBI

4. Wait a grand total of 11 weeks before they can tell you if

you received the documents you mail because its a "security risk"

5. Panic at weeks 3,5,6,7,8, and 10.

6. You call on week 11; they did receive the document.

7. They process the document, by now its about week 13.

8. You call again and they say in the states it takes about 10 days to get to you.

Internationally it can take up to 3 months. (I.E. after your term starts)

9. Major panic

10. Pray for it to get there in a reasonable time.

All the while trying to convince yourself panicking is just aging you.

11. The oh so glorious day where the school emails, you saying your document

was received and to await further instruction!

12. Celebrate

My university has been really amazing about communicating with me. The time change and only being able to communicate through email has made it a semi slow process, but they have been punctual. *point to Swansea*

In order to study in the UK, a student needs a CAS or Confirmation of Acceptance for Studies. One cannot apply for a visa, as a student, without this document. That was emailed to me today! I have now completed my paperwork for my visa. It took about 45 minutes. I went to pay and it got complicated. My payment got denied because it was an international transaction.

I appreciate that banks attempt to protect my money. I really do. Bank and computer hackers are among the worst kinds of people. But not being able to do the things I need to, because they are international transactions is driving me nuts!

In other news, I have an apartment for school. Which I paid for with no problem yesterday. So I was a little confused when my transaction was denied today. If the banking system cooperates, I will have my health insurance (full coverage insurance is only $301 (yes, I do mean dollars not pounds) for the whole year) and visa finished today as well.

My dream is becoming a reality!

The last things on my list are relatively simple. Pack up my life, fly to a new country and set up my life there. Where once again, my list of to-dos will explode.

Cheers!

Feel the Void and Other life Changing Typos

I openly discuss the fact that I have anxiety. It causes me to do a lot of things that I internally smack myself around for at least a week, sometimes longer(depending heavily on what I did). When anxious I frequently talk too much, over state things, or take things too far. 

And that is my reality. It sucks sometimes. It is not fun questioning and reliving every moment of your life, analyzing it for hours. It is something that I look forward working through some day. And some days are better than others. For example, I am much better than I was 10 years ago, or even six months ago. I have tools I use them. Having support is really important. It is difficult to understand something that you haven't experienced before. I will never understand what it is like to be Black, Asian, Hispanic, male, tall or any number of things. And I accept that. I try to understand how someone is feeling though. An emotional connect can overcome most levels of misunderstanding. 

About 24 hours ago, I all of the sudden was in this mood. I felt empty. That feeling of something missing, like when you wear a piece of jewlery (a watch or a ring) and you take it off and feeling like something important is missing. I didn't understand what was going on. I was having a great day. I went shopping with my mom, I got to talk with a few old friends, I even ate my favorite foods. Yet I felt empty. I pegged it as a flare up of depression, which usually goes hand  in hand with anxiety. It was a nagging feeling, I couldn't figure out why I felt wrong. I felt off balance. And then it hit me. I wasn't depressed. Sure I had all of the symptoms, I was tired, kind of empty inside. It didn't matter though. 

I realized I wasn't feeling anxious. For the first time in months. This past year had a lot of stressful experiences for me: college, graduation, general adulting, failed relationships, my sister coming home from her mission, and many others. All of those are good reasons for being anxious, general life anxieties, on top of my normal elevated anxiety. It became a lot to handle. The first time of not being anxious made me tired. Anxiety is exhausting and it is my norm. 

I told my daddy how I was feeling and he said I should "...start something positive to feel the void. Then you can enjoy less anxiety and have something important to focus on. Remember you deserve good."

Many people go to my daddy for advice, with good reason. This is just gold. Learning to enjoy what you have is a life long endeavor. Some people learn contentment at a young age, and some people never learn.  Exploring the emptiness I was feeling was odd. Its like walking through a friends house in the dark. I was bumbling around, unfamiliar with my surroundings. Learning to be emotionally liberated is odd and uncomfortable. Accepting all of your feelings for what they are is scary. It is one of the things that make us human though. And feeling them, with all their potential, is a lot to feel. Learning to enjoy less anxiety was easy. After getting over the initial shock I just jumped into things. It was nice not to have too many second thoughts. 

I am slowly learning to be a better person, just like everyone else around me. 

Learn to feel your voids and life is a lot happier.

Risky business: Finding Joy

So the past few days have been a true growing experience. Last night there was a church meeting 18 to 30 women and the younger ones could bring their parents. It was so uplifting. The last speaker really touched me. His topic was "The Joy of Taking Risk". 

My mind bounced from a few different thoughts. What is this guy thinking? Risks and joy, do they even go together? If they do go together, how does it apply to me?

The speaker was named Elder Sinclair. He is an Area 70 in my church. He started with discussing the concept of  performance management. The story of the prince who asked Christ what he needed to do to be with God again. This story is found in  Mark 10:17-22. My interpretation has always been "Okay, he just wanted to know what else he needed to do."

 Elder Sinclair's was different.  The prince wanted a pat on the head and Christ to say "well done my good and faithful servant". Instead, Christ said give up all the things of this world and follow me. 

Doing the will of God leads to joy. I have been more happy doing the things that I know are right. This man left the presence of Christ down trodden. He said he couldn't do what Christ was asking to do. The man was not ready to take the risk.  

Are we ready to take the risks God needs us to take?