Obsessive Ruminating and Other Forms of Self-Torture

Ruminating is a verb that means to ponder deeply, or to chew the cud(like a cow). 

I have a problem where I ponder too deeply on things. I go from "oh the sun is bright today" to "wow, what if the sun exploded right... now!" and every other random sun related thought for a few minutes until I get distracted by something else. 

Valentine's day was Sunday. I love Valentine's Day. Yes, to many it is a hallmark holiday where people are taken advantage of to give presents they can't really afford and helps the rose, chocolate, and card industries. To me, it is a celebration of the positive influences and all the types of love (which I would discuss but that is a whole other blog post, which I did a few years ago here: http://lifeisworthadventuring.blogspot.com/2013/02/that-feeling-in-your-stomach.html).

This Valentine's Day was full to bursting with ruminating past relationships. It all started with the good moments, the thoughtful gestures, the adventures, the memories that still make me smile. All of those relationships ended for one reason or another whether it was cheating, lack of communication, or we just weren't a good match. Cheating in particularly, makes me feel rage. ( I obviously have strong feelings about it, and I have never cheated on anyone. Its sad that I feel the need to say that.) There are many hurt feels when I think about what I was responsible for with my previous relationships. It was eating me up inside for a large portion of the day. I kind of felt like a failure because they never worked out. I usually put all the blame on myself, even if there is no way it was my fault. 

I felt this:

Then I saw this:

And my reaction was this:

I have been well acquainted with fairy tales since I was little and I had never considered this. What if Cinderella had gone back and gotten her shoe and the prince had nothing to find her, and subsequently never did? Would they have lead separate lives and there would have been no happily ever after? Well that wouldn't have made a very good movie. And it is an over simplification to think that an entire story comes down to one pivotal moment. 

But that picture did teach me something else. Perpetually looking back will keep me from knowing where I am going in addition, to ignoring what I am currently surrounded by. I am currently single, like many of you. And this is the time I can use to try new things, adventure where I want to go without having to significantly consider anyone else. This will essentially be the last times in my life where I can be 100% selfish with my time.. So I decided to stop looking back so much. I will be working on me. And following my dreams: China, Wales and beyond! I will be getting an education. Right now, It feels lonely.

 

But I can appreciate the times when I do feel close, when I talk to close to friends, or create memories with  my siblings and the countless other things I can do with the absence of a significant other. 

I will no longer allow ruminating to control my life or to keep me from progressing. I will not reopen wounds, I will not wonder what I did wrong, I will not inflict blame on myself for things out of my control.

You shouldn't either. Here's to becoming emotionally liberated and facing towards the future. 

Peace and Blessins, Peace and Blessins

I am so blessed! It has been crazy amazing. If you read my blog at all regularly you know money stresses me out. I have been given a great opportunity. We have a lot of projects that need to be done and I will be able to work a significant amount of over time. Which means I will get paid time and a half! This will help me make a dent in what feels like the impossible.

I will be making an extra couple thousand by the end of the summer. 

In addition, payday is today!

This is my link to my GOFUNDME:

 https://www.gofundme.com/atauywxk

Please donate! Help my dreams become a reality.

Normally I don't discuss the fact that I am super religious,but God is so good to me. He listens to my prayers.  And I am so full of gratitude. I will be able to be prepared for my future and what ever other things will be coming my way.  

I hope other opportunities come my way. 

Peace and Blessins

Sara

The Year of the Monkey

The Lunar New Year has been something I celebrated since I was little. We celebrate with ordering American Chinese food. This year is going to be an exciting year. In 29 days I will be heading on an adventure of a life time. I will be heading to China! This has been a dream come true. It has been on my bucket list. I will be heading to

 Cheng Du:

,

 my Aunt and Uncle currently live there. 

We will also be going to Xi'an:

, 

Hong Kong:

, 

Beijing:

 

Shanghai:

 

This is a once in a life time opportunity. 

Every time I travel, I feel like I am exposed to a new aspect to myself. When I went to Europe I felt like I finally understood where I came from. Being of European descent  I was able to see where my family used to be. It shaped my ancestors and lead to me. Having an understanding of that is really important. Conquering China will have a big influence on my life. The Asian culture permeates life and I feel like I will have a more realistic view of the world. I will be able to see poverty I have never witnessed before. I will be a total minority, I won't speak the language. I feel like those kinds of extremes teach important life lessons. 

I will be boarding a plane in 29 days and counting! Lets see where this adventure takes me. 

My Desperate Attempt at Taking Control of my Future and Other Half Baked Ideas

I decided in a fit of desperation that I should attempt to come up with my own way of paying for grad school. Though I am kind of morally against begging or asking people for money I feet overwhelmed with the price tag that will soon be looming over my head. And I thought of different ideas of possibilities... My college go to was " if the college thing doesn't work out, then I will be a dancer in Vegas". Then I realized that I would be mortified with my life choices if I would follow through with that and give a last stitch effort to avoid it at all costs.

Now I am "educated". *quick side note* IT TAKES FOREVER TO GET YOUR DIPLOMA. I mean it has only been six weeks, but waiting for that piece of paper has stressed me out. It feels like my diploma will make it seem more real, that I am a college graduate and I am not just taking a break from school. 

I am currently working. My job consists of unstapling, scanning, purging old folders and chart room maintenance. My desk partner, sits in front of me and on a near daily basis asks me " Wouldn't you rather bus tables or something... anything else?" I enjoy being employed and my coworkers are awesome. I feel appreciate for the monotonous work I do and it keeps the flow going for everyone else. And this has eased some of the stress of which I will be responsible. There is still a significant portion of this that won't be covered. I have applied for second jobs, the kind that pay next to nothing. But next to nothing is a little something and I am okay with that. Legal income is legal income. Unfortunately, I am told time and again I am over qualified and so they will not have any positions available to me. And that is becoming an ever increasingly annoying back handed compliment. I mean I applied for the job, I obviously want it. Agh! Oh well, maybe I will find someone who needs a nanny in the evenings a few nights a week. 

Because of the job rejection, My anxious feelings about money became worse. I decided at about 3 in the morning that a GOFUNDME would be a good idea. Now I don't believe anything in life is free. It would be nice to be wrong, but its just not. GOFUNDME has given people opportunities to gain financial assistance as well as give as generously as they feel they can be. These two concepts are things I am very supportive of. In fact, I have donated to a few causes. I had to reevaluate my feelings about doing this. 

I am a prideful person. And I was initially ashamed that I did this. And I haven't been given much. But I am so grateful to have what I have been given that I have no reason to be upset. This isn't below me. There is nothing wrong with needing help.  

Here is another link to my campaign. 

https://www.gofundme.com/atauywxk

Stress, Panic, Money: the Cycle of Postgraduate Thoughts

The last few months, I would talk to people and realize no one actually knows what they are doing in adulthood. This is an epiphany that happened when I was 14, when a 40 something year old man made fart jokes for about an hour(that event broke my little heart). We are all just winging it. It is easy to imagine that two hundred years ago when the struggle for survival, let alone success, was a challenge that knowing what one was supposed to do with their life was much easier. It was a "Do what you have to in order to meet your basic needs and the needs of your family. The family you had to have in order to not die" kind of thing. Now its like "Do what makes you happy, no matter what it is. Go have fun now." And honestly its not really working for me. I have had some direction. 

At least in my life, I have been told, " Sara after high school you will go to college and then live the rest of your life". 

Well I did that. I graduated.

 

 I am now considered an educated adult and I have a piece of paper that is supposed to tell the world I know what I am doing....  

I totally don't though. Not a freaking clue. 

I am now in the "and live the rest of your life" section of the aforementioned life goal. Well in case you feel like saying that to a soon to be graduate of university. Do not: I repeat do not do it. In case you forgot, the average college graduate is  between 22-26. They still have the majority of their life left. That leaves a lot of unknowns for  what"the rest of you life" actually entails. And it feels like jumping off a cliff blindfolded and you don't know if you are jumping into water or lava or you will be smacking your face on the ground. But you do it because you "supposed to".

Subsequently, I have decided to go to grad school. I will be attending Swansea University in the Fall. \

That's right! Wales. I will be writing another blog post about that eventually. Needless to say, I am excited. But before I was admitted into any of the Universities I applied to, I was floundering. Between the desire to be done with my undergrad and not knowing what I was going to do next with my life there was a phone call to my mother that usually went something like this. (Specifically referencing the last call home):

Me: Hi, Mom.

Mom: Hi Sara, how is it going?

Me: I am quitting college. I am done. I have nothing else to give.

Mom: Sara, you have worked to hard to quit now. You have like two weeks left! That's one week of class and finals week. And we already paid for airplane tickets so you have to graduate, 

Me: Fine... okay Mom, I will do it. I am not happy about it though.  

That happened pretty much the entire semester. I am a goal oriented person. I need plans and contingency plans. Direction is so important. And having no direction led to panic. Lots and lots of panic. 

Which reminds me of a childhood anecdote.(In complete honesty, I don't remember this story, but my Daddy has told me it every time I freak out over anything. I have heard it so often its almost like I remember... okay not really but here it is.) I was crying and freaking about out about something. And my Daddy walked up to me and asked me what I was doing. I said sniffling," I am panicking." My Daddy said "Why are you panicking" " I said" I don't know." And Daddy said " Then stop." And I was all like" Okay Daddy." and I snapped out of it. Moral of story freaking out doesn't help but I panic anyway. 

Before graduation, I was able to find employment at home. I have some kind of income and something to keep me busy. I am really grateful for this. Life requires income. And without income you can't get anywhere. It is a vicious cycle of needing money to get an education so you can make more money. Which leads to the last piece before the cycle starts again. 

My grad school, in the Wales, will only cost me $20,000 in tuition( I convert everything back to American for ease of my own planning). Which is the cheapest grad school program I have found. Yay for European Adventures being cheaper than staying in the States! Being the very type A person I am, I have made lists for everything, cost, things I will need to bring, classes, schedules for classes, potential living situations, and this list of lists continues. 

*Secret time* I LOVE budgeting. Now I am not the best at sticking to my budget, yet the arbitrary financial planning gives me a sense of control and I calm down significantly.

I have calculated that with the current exchange rate and cost of living and the recommended funding by the University. I will be needing $50,000. When I realized this my heart sank. I have never had that much money. ever. And what was I going to do. Even with my job I will only be making $14,000.00. I have applied for more scholarships and grants than I can count. Money is so unbelievably stressful. And as a very last resort I did something I really truly did not want to do. I created a go fund me account. I call it desperation. I mean every little bit helps. So its worth a try right?

Here is the link even a few dollars adds up quickly. 

gofundme.com/atauywxk  

I know its along shot but if you could donate to my future I will make sure to pay it forward. The being able to financially support myself gives me anxiety levels that can't be healthy. And it keeps me up late at night. 

Now that I am at the end of the cycle, it will start all over again. I know I can't be the only one who is experiencing this. So let us freak out over life together. 

I should start meditating. 

The Things I learn from Early Morning Musings

My day usually starts like many of yours. My alarm clock rings, an internal and external groan, and then the argument with myself starts. And it usually goes something like this:

Ugh! I am too young to be this tired. Why was a born a morning person? Why am I most productive from 7am until 3 pm? My bed is so toasty. Leaving would be really too bad. Maybe I am secretly an heiress and I don't have to work ever again. I should go back to sleep and call in sick. No you can't, grad school won't pay for itself and I know how much I dislike loans. Get out of bed...No seriously do it. You will be late and you won't want to do that. Wait sister________ is in the bathroom, I can wait five more minutes. 

Eventually, I do get out of bed, get ready, and am out the door quickly. Today I was up and out of the housing in 22 minutes. Hair washed, teeth brushed, dressed, lunch packed. Hoorah! 

I was grumbling to myself whilst driving, I have strong thoughts that people, especially myself, should not be awake when it is early and still dark. But traffic was better than usual and so I could just kinda do my driving thing. 

The thought came to me, am I actually tired? This made me smile, 

uh yes I was tired, its 6:41 am. I should be asleep. The best sleep happens from 4 am until 8:30 am. ( I don't know if there is scientific evidence for this, but it is my claim for not getting up on Saturday mornings).

After a moment of reflection, I came to the conclusion that part of me was tired, yet another more powerful part of me was not tired. In fact, that part of me was why I was up and out of bed. 

My body was tired, my mind was not.  

This has changed my perspective in the past twenty or so minutes since it occurred to me that not all of my has to be tired at once. My body is in fact tired. And it usually is. I have a Ehlers-Danlos type 3, hyper mobility type. It means that I have to work harder to function, I can twist and ankle if I don't think about walking on uneven surfaces. I have avoided other blogs about EDS and the support groups in general. When you get a group of people who hurt, who are tired of hurting, most of whom don't take the measures to make change it becomes a lot of whining. I know that they do hurt, and are tired usually, but giving up and sitting down just makes you hurt more. The best way to deal with EDS is to work out regularly and intensely, eat healthy and to make sure you do physical therapy exercises. Basically be healthy and you can live a relatively normal life. Who would of thought? Take care of yourself and you can be healthy. Most who have been diagnosed, unfortunately, do not do the things they need to in order to avoid the pain. 

In addition to EDS, I have Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome. It is an adventure in and of itself. Here is a link on it:

 http://www.ninds.nih.gov/disorders/postural_tachycardia_syndrome/postural_tachycardia_syndrome.htm. Basically every time I stand up or turn to quickly or change my elevation at all (going up and down stairs is a great example) my vision goes black, I would get dizzy and light headed and I would need to take it slow for a minute or two after this, so my body could adjust back and I could see again. 

All of this adds up to me using more energy to function as a "normal functioning adult". (Honestly I don't know what that means, I don't think anyone does). 

The mind is so powerful. Just look at any diet fad. Carbs, no carbs, vegetarianism, injections, pills or wraps. Most of the results are founded in paying attention to what is going into the body and making sure they are getting exercises.  I personally believe that our brains can make things happen that we otherwise would not be able to do. Our bodies can do amazing things. And our mind controls many of those functions. Our individual brains specifically send out all of the messages to the rest of our body on how to run. When I realized that, in fact, it was my body not my brain that was tired, there was a small shift in my psyche. My mind and brain worked together and woke up the rest of me. Brain power was used to rest my tiredness. It was as if I decided not to be tired, which traditionally is not possible. It was a great feeling knowing how strong I am. As a person who frequently feels weak I was excited to find one, even a small way to be strong.

Well that was my morning conclusion, what conclusions have you reached this week?

Here is to 2016: live aggressively

Last year, ended with a bang, a neighbors fireworks to be specific. And now is the normal time for self reflection. I don't need to share it with the inter-webs but last year was difficult in most aspects. Love life was traumatic. School was stressful and is now over( Woo!). I graduated from Brigham Young University Idaho with a Bachelors degree in Sociology.

This year will be a transition phase for me. I will be working at Cincinnati Children's hospital. And earning money so I can attend graduate school  in the fall. I have two options right now. I can go to Swansea University or East Carolina University. Both are great options for an education. I have already been offered a place to attend in Wales. I am waiting to hear from ECU. I should be hearing from them this month. 

Later this year, I will be flying to China. I will be visiting my aunt. It will be a great opportunity to explore a part of the world that I haven't been to yet. This will be a life goal met. 

My sister will come home from her mission from the Belgium Netherlands mission at the end of April. 

And I will start grad school in August or September, depending on the school. 

I have lots of goals for this year:

I am going to take control of my health and exercise four times a week.

I want to find a scholarship

Go to a grad school

learn to forgive

I am going to be emotionally open and available.

What are your goals?