Being True to Myself: Family Cut-offs and Meeting My Emotional Needs

Over the past few weeks, I have had so much change. My university is moving locations. My job contract was shortened by two months unexpectedly. Finding a traineeship in the Bay has been challenging to nearly impossible. The hardest thing I have done though is walking away.

Just over a week ago, I decided to walk away from my family. I was skyping my sister for her birthday. I went through a lot of effort to get a thoughtful gift. I imported her favorite movies in her mission language so she could practice and enjoy them. It was met with an okay thanks, and then I was ignored for the remainder of the 20 minute video call. Now, for the layman out there, this is rude behavior.  For me, it is normal. I have come to expect my contributions will be immediately shot down. That I will be categorized as the one who doesn't actually know what she is talking about and thus dismissed. Its been basically my whole life. The first time I recognized that being treated this way I was about 13. I saw that my friends had parents they could talk to, who supported them in ways they recognized as care. My family noted a change in me. I was withdrawn and angry. This has pretty much been my established pattern for the past 12 years: I come home excited to see my family. Hopeful that we can have emotive conversation about things that actually matter. Something goes wrong, for which usually I am blamed. Then emotional implosion. This happy hopeful beginning doesn't ever last. In fact, I track the amount of time until things go south( IE me crying anywhere I can be alone). The longest I have ever made it was 3 days, this past Christmas. My sister got married tensions were going to be high. The shortest was 45 minutes, when I came home to visit my grandparents this past summer. One of the cats got out while I was bringing my luggage inside and I was told if he died it would be my fault.As is expected, for any person at this point, I avoid the family.

My Marriage and Family Therapy program requires that I go through my own counseling. Originally, I was put off by having to spend more money, in addition to tuition. I have never been more grateful for a graduation requirement. For the first time in my life, I am working through the pain of my life experience. I have learned so many things about myself. Arguably the most important thing thus far is: some people just can't meet my emotional needs; they can't handle it emotionally themselves or are disinterested.  Either way my family falls into this category. I have been bending over backwards doing things to try to bring my family closer together. I feel like that stereotypical dorky kid who is so desperate to be liked that they will do anything so the popular kids will accept them. Unfortunately, this never happens and it keeps this vicious cycle. I refuse to keep this going.

In the back of my mind, I want that 7th Heaven(as presented in the show, not the scandal that followed) /Hallmark family; love abounding, emotional support and communication galore. Alas, I am the extrovert in a family of introverts.  All of the ways they have tried to show they care (which coincidentally is the ways they want to be shown they care) are the exact ways to make me feel rejected and unwanted. Our base needs are different.While this has caused me to have some serious and lasting emotional baggage, it is not inherently their fault. They are just unable to meet my specific needs. Once I accepted this, it made it very clear to me I needed to make room to be sure there is room for everyone else to shift. I don't blame anyone. In fact, I am probably a stronger person for growing up this way, even if it was painful. The moments when I have had the support I need have been the highlights in my life. Moving to California, I have found friends who fill this role for me. We don't even do anything that special. We talk to each other for a few minutes a day. Like an exchange of, maybe, 10 facebook messages, maybe share an article or funny meme, and then go on with our days. We usually see each other once a week at a non church event. At these events we do all kinds of things: watch movies, go hot tubing, shop, try new recipes, or just talk. They usually last an hour or two. It's not really a huge time commitment. And it isn't the time or the activity that matters to me; its the consistency and reciprocity of effort.

All of this being said, I have decided to take a step back. I have disconnected with the people I have the biggest issues with in my family. Hopefully we can get to a point where we have a functional and mutually positive relationship.

This year I am determined to take care of my emotional health above all else. I know what I need and deserve to have emotionally. Why should I settle for anything else?

So I am going to:

• Rest when I need it. 
• I will be eating my veggies
• Making sure I get a lot of sunshine
• Exercising
• Writing more consistently
• Calling my grandparents
• Drinking herbal tea or Diet Coke
• Taking baths
• Trying new things (Adventures)
• And being as true to myself as I can be

What do you do for your emotional health?

Sara and the year of no friends

I wrote this last April, and I know it needs to be shared:

Growing is rarely a comfortable process. It requires going against all internal warnings and going for it anyway.

For the past 172 days I have been living abroad. It has been hard. I have grown. My mind has been opened to a new way of doing things. Some of them for the better. I have seen things that to me are from fairy tales. Been to places that are more beautiful than the postcards, no photo can do Wales justice. 

I knew cognitively this would be hard. I thought it would get easier as time went on. Life has a way of pulling a fast one, I was wrong. Things started reasonably well. People make a massive effort when you are new. They offer you rides, check in with you, make sure that you know they noticed you. January, the 4 month mark for me is when my shiny newness wore off. And all of the sudden the little support system I though I created disappeared. People who I genuinely thought were my friends came up with reasons to not speak to me. Now I take partial responsibility, misunderstandings happen. But completely cutting someone out of your life because of a misunderstanding is petty and immature. The people who did this (yes, multiple) were the people who I spent a lot of time with before. They were burnt out and needed a reason to create space, and so they did. I felt lied to and abandoned. I understand it from a psychological point that they needed to restore balance in their own lives. 

I have been here for seven months and I had to put down emergency contacts for my placement paper work. I automatically put my parents down and handed the form back. The woman doing my orientation said I needed someone local. Trying to come up with someone was hard. I sat there for a solid five minutes trying to come up with someone. My mind was completely blank. There was not one name of a person I felt like if there was an accident I would feel comfortable calling. One person I could say, this person if I asked for help who wouldn't make me feel guilty for it later. One person who I wouldn't feel like a massive burden to. I eventually elected to leave them blank for now. I am just going to hope nothing happens.    

In some aspects this is good. I pride myself on being independent. This has forced the boundaries of what I thought I was capable of. I spend approximately 80% of my time alone, with in my room, usually working on school. The other 20% is spent in classes, whether school, church or otherwise, or making awkward small talk that never amounts to anything. There is no emotional connection. I am a social person, anyone who knows me knows I enjoy people. Without a support system I feel empty. I feel unwanted. This is the first time I have ever considered not coming to church. And its not a trial of my faith. It really comes down to the actions of one person. She makes me feel like a burden and judged. I won't leave because that only hurts me, but I have spoken to friends I have throughout the UK and apparently I am not the only one who has considered leaving because of this person. A few have left. And that is sad. This person has no idea. She will have to deal with it later. I feel bad for her. 

One of my biggest issues with the UK is the elitism. People see themselves as above each other and refuse to interact with people below their station. It is a load of crap. I don't believe in it. Some of the best lessons I have learned have been from poor black inner city children. According to society, they are beneath me. I don't see them that way. They have taught me a lot. It pushes people away. 

The passive aggressive behavior on top of it just makes it worse. People seem to be unable to have a straight forward conversation, saying their needs, discussing them, coming to a mutual conclusion and moving forward. It's ridiculous. The American way isn't always the right way by any means, but cut nuance and just tell me what you want. I can't read your mind. I can't fix anything if you don't tell me what you need or what. Correct me in a productive and positive way and then we can all move forward. Maybe people don't actually want to fix anything and they are just ok with being miserable people to associate with. 

Growth Spurts in Personal Development

2017 was easily the most challenging year of my life(to date). It started poorly, I was alone in a foreign country. All the support system I thought I built, not only disappeared, but was causing me harm the longer I was there. A person who I thought was a close friend, showed their true colors and was emotionally abusive. We are no longer friends; it is much healthier for me this way.

February was the worst month. The saving grace was I started my placement working in a play school. Those children saved me from myself. I felt like I was drowning, alone, until about a week after I started. Being around inquisitive bright children made all the difference for me.  And I kind of snapped out of it, found my feet again and moved forward. During this period of time I had lost most, if not all, motivation in my grad school program. I kind of developed stress induced narcolepsy. I would try to work on my finals, and I would fall asleep within a few minutes, waking up hours later confused.

Summer rolled around and my housemates and I started going to the beach regularly, Wales has stunning beaches. 10/10 would recommend. Being out in the sun made a huge difference as well. I took a mental health vacation and went to Morocco. It was the best 10 days I may have had ever. The culture was inspiring, the people were compassionate and kind. The people I interacted with on my tour were lovely, many of whom triggered a shift in my world view. It was the first Muslim country I have ever visited. I could write a whole book. Morocco was unbelievable. Towards the end of my trip I met two Dutch men and they were interesting. One made me laugh so much I lost my voice the next day. He and I ended up meeting up on the two other excursion trips I made. France and the Netherlands were my last two trips. This guy gave me the support I needed to finish my program and make me happy again all while being across the Channel. He and I aren't close now, it was one of those 'in the season' relationships, but it changed me for the better.

By some miracle, I not only submitted by deadline, but I passed my classes of my new program. Over the Summer I visited the States. We went and visited my grandparents. It was nice to be in the super heat after the damp of Britain. I went back and packed up my house. There was a wonderful expected surprise, my cousin came to visit. She had just moved to Germany with her family. It was a real blessing that she got to visit. I packed up and I left Britain. Saying good riddance, but maybe that will change. 

Once back in the States, I was home for a week. It was crazy and chaotic time because it was a short window and I moved to California. I started a job as a nanny. I love the family I nanny for. The boys are wonderful, their parents are wonderful, and I don't even mind the Labrador who thinks he is a lap dog. California is a surprising wonderful fit for me. The back of my mind I wanted to hate it. It is really difficult to hate a place where its sunny and warm consistently.

There was a slow start in California for me. I saw my mom's best friend. She is a real life fairy godmother. When I am with her, I feel safe and cared for and wanted. After so many months of not feeling that, it has made a big difference. The support I had over this year has proven to me that with the proper support I can do anything.

I know 100% this is true because I started a second grad school program, legitimately the best schooling I have ever done. Marriage and Family therapy is a goal of mine. I had a semester of overlap. It was the dumbest thing I thought I could do, to be fair, though I did accomplish it. I did two grad school programs at once. Saying it there is still a mental disconnect. This took an army of people supporting me to accomplish. I did it.

Shortly after the term finished, I went home. Christmas was Monday. My sister got married on Wednesday. It was been a crazy full year.

I am able to do anything I set my mind to. I need to write goals for 2018, lets see what happens. I have proven my abilities to myself.

28 Days: All Good Things Come to an End

Well ladies and Gents,

My British adventure comes to an end in. I move back in 28 short days. 

Time here has been a learning and growing experience. School has given me a new perspective on my expectations for children. Living in another country has shown me a different way of life. There have been so many people that I am grateful I met. And some people I am wholly grateful will be 3,799 miles away. Both types of people have taught me more about myself than I expected. 

I have learned to trust my instincts and that I am stronger than I knew. Moving to a new country alone took more courage than I thought I would ever have. It paid off. 

I have a lot to do between now and then. I need to sell everything I can't bring back. I need to clean my house and pack. I have to work on my dissertation and a re-submission. 

I have come up with a bucket list of things I want to do before I leave, as it will be a really long time before I will make it across the pond again. 

1. I want to go to Harry Potter Studios

Harry Potter consisted of most of my childhood. I loved reading because I loved these books. The first book came out in  June 1997, I was just over 4. And the last Harry Potter film (of the original series) came out July 2011, which is just over 6 weeks after I graduated from high school. Needless to say it has been a huge influence on my life. Sentimental as I am it made the top of the list

2. I want to go to Rhossili Bay, at Sunset, on my last Sunday here

This was one of the first beaches I went to in Wales. If you haven't been down the Gower make it a priority. This beach has been in the top 10 most beautiful beaches in the WORLD and top in the UK, as of 2014. I would love to take photos to commemorate the end of an era. 

3. Kaspa's 

It is a dessert bar and has been the place I go to celebrate. The local one had some health code issues but maybe I will find a different... or just risk it.

4. Hike Pen-y-Fan 

This is the highest peak  in South Wales. And I want to take a place with the marker.

Time is winding down quickly. 

What am I doing next? 

I don't completely know yet but....

I am ready for my next step and a new adventure!

So now I can say lets adventure and:

  

Satan v Sara

The new year started and I was determined to be better than 2016. Much like most of the world it was not the best for me. I have a friend Sara who told me, at 20 that there is to be expected a mid 20s kick in the pants.... well it seems mine decided to make a a brief preview.

As a religious person I believe in Satan. A powerful negative being who influences people to do bad. If you reading this are not religious you should still be accustomed to the idea.

This week was amazing and complicated. And let me tell you Satan is enemy numero uno. I have been prepping to start my term again, it starts Tuesday. One of my professors has withdrawn from teaching on medical leave, she is ill. I hope she finds the helps she needs and that it doesn't effect my grades. My knew professors are more more stringent and that makes me a little nervous. We shall have to see.

During the middle of the week I had a meeting with my adviser. I learned that my program doesn't qualify me in the way I thought it did. So I panicked a little about what I was doing in Wales.(read as a three hour meltdown involving crying and skyping my mother since initially I thought it meant I wouldn't be able to get hired following graduation). I felt the biggest wave of doubt and hopelessness that I have ever felt to date. I was ready to pack my bags and leave forever. I felt like I had wasted the better part of 6 months of my life.I have rarely felt so alone in my life. I started praying when I finally slowed my  mind down enough to think  enough to do anything other than panic. And lets be real I was at the very end of my rope. I couldn't take anymore. The month of January was potentially the most trying month I have ever had. I won't go into it but it was something I wouldn't wish on the most evil people who have existed. And God in His love and compassion knew that I couldn't take anymore. The fear melted away and I figured out that I just need to have more supervised observation and I should be fully employable.

 I think I prayed more sincerely in the last month than I have in the past 3 years. And those years have been hard, they felt impossible. Satan put me through the ringer and he lost, as he always will.I won't let him. He has no right. I have come to far, we all have come too far to let him win.

There aren't very many times when I feel confident or strong in my faith. But today I do. And what a great feeling to have on a fast Sunday.

 Life has its ups and downs. Sometimes the peaks and valleys are small ripples and other times they feel like mountains. Either way they have to be conquered. 

2016: The Year of Perspective Change and Growth

2016 started with a bang. I was a recent college graduate, who had her most serious relationship fall apart. The loneliness was awful. Losing a best friend and confidant is not something I would wish on anyone. Luckily though, I had work prearranged, which meant I was working and keeping busy. My job at the hospital has always been great. It has its ups and downs of all jobs and generally I enjoyed it. I worked on a few projects over my time there and they were usually time consuming and brain numbing, but they helped me save for grad school and gave me experience.

In March, I went to China to visit my Aunt with my mother. it was a crazy experience to go there. Culturally it is nothing like anything I have ever experienced before. And it opened my eyes,once again, to how people can live differently and do things I don't understand, but still be happy. Split pants on babies are still odd to me, google it. It is so funny! I loved seeing the panda bears and this was the year they came of the endangered list. The amount of pollution and the level of need I saw in a few places really broke my heart. I think China has the potential to be one of the most beautiful places I have ever been, if the pollution was under control. I developed temporary asthma. And I coughed so hard I was ill almost every day. Living a life time with that is something I don't think I will ever comprehend. I can say I do miss people telling me how pretty I am and taking my picture. At the time it was kind of annoying, but it was definitely good for the confidence.

 Shortly after returning home, I started being a nanny. It was gratifying to help two little boys learn and grow over the course of a few months. They made a ton of progress and have the potential to be great people. I spent more time with them than their parents did which allowed me to see the affect it has on kids. All kids want is to be loved and spend time with their parent(s). They don't care about fancy new things. That is an adult construct. They want and need your time and attention as a parent. About half way through the summer I got really annoyed with my health. I was always tired, keeping up with the boys was difficult and I didn't feel good about me. Turns out over the course of a year I gained like 30 lbs due to a medication I was on. Side effects are real people! So I made a massive change. I started a doctor monitored weigh loss program through a local hospital. It was an interesting and awkward experience because it was focused at the severely obese. At my heaviest I was obese. I never thought I would get to that point. It happened so slowly I didn't even notice the weight gain. So this became the challenge. I have lost all the weight and am back to just below where I started. I have maintained this weight loss even with my big move to Wales, which in itself is a miracle. I had a lot of motivation to change. I had a goal to get healthy this year and I am in a much better place now. Next year I want to continue this, maintaining weight loss is really difficult. If I can maintain for 6 months, then my body will kind of reset, and this will become my new normal weight. I have 2 months to go. And I am determined. Once my weight "resets" I will be able to lose more weight, if I so choose to do so. I will because weight creep is an issue and I don't want to have to start over. Moving to Wales was really grateful this. The British palate is different than mine. Most fast food and junk foods don't really taste good to me; chocolate being the exception. and have mercy their chocolate is good! It helped a lot because, I couldn't stress eat anymore.

I was in Wales for a grand total of 91 days. The first 42 I count as my adjusting period. The beginning was really difficult. The accent was initially difficult to understand (especially on the elderly) the customs are different, and I had no idea what I was doing. This time consisted of learning mostly about where I am going, the difference in tipping, and how there are some words that are okay in one country, but not in the other.(side note: I have only made the word mistake a handful of times, and no one hates me, to my knowledge, so that is good).I honestly think I had to have been a miserable person to be around, since I was on the verge of a mental break down the whole time. Ironically, this is the time when I have been introduced to my friends in Wales. And they are fab for putting up with me ha ha.

Since coming to Wales I have moved twice, once into my first flat and then into my current house. My flat was sweet and my flat mates are amazing people, but it was such a small space I was feeling majorly claustrophobic and it was super far away from everything. I am currently living in a house, where my housemates are also amazing, but it is a much more centralized location and I have more than double the amount of space in my room. Moving into this house was the first time I encountered true issues for being an international student.Moving into my new house I had to pay double the deposit because I didn't have a parent/ guardian or relative to co-sign. I have never encountered this before, during my undergraduate degree, I didn't need a co-signer. It forced to rearrange my finances a little bit.

The next issue I encountered was finding work, which I have yet to do. I have applied for countless job, I have lost track. The number of rejection letter, or radio silence are equal to the number of applications I have submitted. A few people have mentioned that they don't hire anyone who can't work at least 30 hours a week. As an international student 20 is the maximum number of hours I can work. There is not a type of work I haven't applied for at this point, I have extended how far I am willing to travel and nothing. Talking to lots of my international student course mates, this is a common issue. No wonder people who study are drowning in debt if it is impossible. It is a system that punishes the people who have had to work twice as hard to get where they are going. Moving internationally is not cheap (I mean still cheaper than grad school in the States but still). I now understand the life of an immigrant much more. I feel deeply compassionate towards those who pick up their lives and move to a new place. They need a support system just like the rest of us and it is hard to find. I was really lucky, because of my being an active member of a church I immediately was able to find support. If I hadn't had them or their level of kindness, this would have been a very different experience. If there was a way to properly thank everyone I would, but I don't have the words or the means to do so. So love to everyone!!!!

Being home for Christmas has been lush. This is the first time in a few years when we all have been home. I am grateful for all the memories we have made and the things we have done. Even though we don't always get along I am glad I have them in my life( usually... just kidding). It is really hard to be thousands of miles from home. 2017 will be a year of hard work and travel. I have some big goals I want to accomplish, hopefully they will happen. Just remember, there is no such thing as being lost; only adventure.

Croeso i Abertawe| Welcome to Swansea

I made it! After months of prepping and a few mental break downs I am finally here. Wales is one of the most beautiful places I have ever been. It is so green. I am from Ohio, which is a green place, but Swansea just has this energy that I love. The under current motivates me to walk miles every day. 

I have learned a lot in my few days here. For example there is no such thing as Jaywalking.

Rexburg, where I did my undergraduate degree, fines you like $80 if they catch you jaywalking. This has been music to my ears. 

Also, because they drive on the left side of the road, I am learning to look left then right before crossing the street. I probably look crazy with how many times I check the road before I cross but I haven't had incidences with cars so:

Walking is my main mode of transport and it is so nice outside, even with the misty rain, that I don't even care. I have stepped in my fair share of puddles already. I definitely need to invest in better shoes. Flats are not really enough here. Also, I really want to find a bike. It will be faster than walking. And cabs are darn expensive.

Also in traveling, don't use street addresses. The most efficient way to find a place is the post code. Much like the zipcode in the US, but more accurate. Its almost block specific, kind of like a grid system, but British. And is pretty accurate. I have had no problems using postcodes.

Phones are interesting too. All mobiles are 07 numbers. All landlines are either 01 or 02. 03 and 08 are for call centers and marketing things;which makes it really easy to know if its a sales call. Ignore the 03 and 08 calls.

People use the nick name variety of Love, Lovey, my love etc. And honestly, it makes me so happy. If people called me lovey for the rest of my life I would be okay. It is also odd, I think American culture makes us hesitant to use the word love, in any context. It holds significant meaning to us culturally and thus we don't use it that often. So I feel bonded to strangers because they call me love. I know to them it means something different, but it is refreshing.

Something else I have learned is that Welsh people are unbelievably kind. I have had complete strangers help me with my luggage, offer me advice about buses to take and plethora of other things. I hope this continues. They have made quite the impression and it has been a positive one.

I am getting pretty settled in. I already have adjusted to the new time zone. I move into my flat on Friday. I can't wait for this adventure to really start!