It has been a while

My head has been on fire. I am tired. Stress is eating me like the boy from Matilda and that cake. I had a really good day. Its was nice to get out of Reburg for a few hours, eat healthy, and shop a little bit. I have been working most of the day on math. I have a four part final for my statistics class. It will be insane. I am kinda nervous for it. The weather was beautiful today. It was mid 50s and super sunny. I didn't even need a jacket! In Idaho that's pretty warm for this time of year. I am grateful all the snow is gone!!!!! I have great roommates. They make me laugh :) two weeks and I will be in Utah. God please help me!

Love,

Sara

Six Countries One Month

I went to Europe with my university. I studied the development of religion and how it effected the United States. It was fascinating. We started in Rome, Italy. We went to the Vatican City and learned about the art and expressing of faith as a Catholic. We learned about the great divide. We went to Florence,Venice, and Padova. They were beautiful and every city had its own culture in one country. It was so free. The cities were a beautiful maze of the growing new with the ancient culture of the Romans. The people were so loving and kind. Th Gypsies and the poor were basically ignored. It was heart breaking and made me grateful the United States attempts to help their citizens. Then I traveled to Austria. We learned about the Nazis and how the concentration camps effected the lives of the Austrian citizens. We went into a salt mine. Then we went to the Czech Republic. It was beautiful and the food was amazing. It looks like something out of a movie. The colors and architecture are so classic. Afterwards we went to Germany and learned about the Cold War and saw the Wall. I went to Wittenberg and saw the Church where Martin Luther nailed the 95 theses. It was very similar to the US. I then went to Paris and Versailles. It was beautiful. The French people have an authentic way of looking at life. Comradery is everywhere. The people were not closed like I had been told.Notre Dame was breath taking, the stained-glass must have taken hours of pain-staking work.  After my time in Paris. I flew to England. I went to the theatre and saw Big Ben and the Tower of London. The diversity of the United kingdom was amazing. It was so refreshing. Over all I loved the trains and the shopping. My goal was just to experience as much as I could. I bought art, tasted food, and met people in ways that I may never be able to again but I hope to go back.

The notebook and other sob stories

So last night I talked with my roommates. Comforting one( she is awesome but totally doesn't see it. This will be a topic I discuss in later posts. It really bothers me.) And just talking about growing up. It was eye opening. Then Lauren my room roommate and I watched the Notebook. Every time I watch this movie I have a new realization. I know its kinda weird but that movie applies to a lot of people. While watching I realized that I knew I was transferring schools. I was secretly fighting it nail and tooth. I don't like moving. I have friends who love me. The classes are straight forward and easy. All of this is pretty hard to leave. I know I stay somewhere as long as I am needed or as long as there a lesson I need to learn. I have learned most of what I can from BYU-I so it is time to move on. I also learned that letting people care about you may hurt them but the support and love are worth it. I have pretty much always believed that people are out to get me and that letting people get to know the real me will leave me heart broken and betrayed. That changed last night. I have to let people in or else I can't help others. It was really hard to watch Noah look so upset when Allie forgot who he was again. Seeing all the pain that her condition caused hurt me. I know that someday I will fall apart. I may not forget the people I love but there may come a day when I can't really move or participate in life. Getting old does that to people. I get upset now for causing other people pain. I can't imagine what it will be like when I have kids and grand-babies. The circle of influence grows with age and thinking of hurting people makes me feel nauseous. I also learned that rushing things will just blow up in my face. Life is short but the days are long and I should try and learn as much as I can while I am here.

Well those  are my thoughts via the Notebook.

Love Sara

Songs

Music has this crazy ability to tap into the emotions of the human psyche. Pieces of music can bring tears to people eyes or bring back fond memories. Its crazy to me. I have had "Catch My Breath" by Kelly Clarkson stuck in my head for the past few days. I love this song the message is one I personally connect with and is motivating to almost anyone who has gone through hardship. The past few days I have been in a funk but this song brings me some relative calm.

I am grateful for good music.

Love,

Sara

That feeling in your stomach

The past month has been awesome. Classes have been great. I am learning so much. I am learning things that I will be able to actually use. I have met some wonderful people. I am so lucky to have a reasonable month of weather. The snow has been gorgeous. The wind hasn't been awful. I have gone on dates with some amazing people. Some of whom have made a large impact on my perspective. Today though, I have a weird feeling in my stomach. It came about a while ago but I just didn't give it any thought. I see people all the time holding hands and looking so genuinely happy they almost glow and I want that. I mean who wouldn't? Who wouldn't want to have someone they can completely confide in, who treats them how they deserve. I have been single. There is no one who wants to hold my hand. The feeling in my stomach is the feeling of being unwanted. Most people would probably attribute this feeling to Valentine's day being on this past Thursday, but that isn't it. I love Valentine's day. I think love and appreciation for others needs to be celebrated way more often and Valentine's Day is the one chosen day to make a special effort to show that we care about the people in our lives. We should be doing little things everyday, listening, seeing how they are doing, making small efforts, etc. Bur Valentine's day should be when we say it. It shouldn't be just through actions it should be words too. Look someone deep in the eye and say "I care for you. I will never do anything intentionally to hurt you. I love you." To me there are hundreds of kinds of love but only one word to cover it all. People love their pets and they love their significant others but it isn't the same kind of love. I love food but it isn't the same way I feel about my family. I have pretty much always thought February 14th was the best holiday. Growing up when everyone in your class gave valentine's it was the one day when my crush of that school year gave me the time of day and told me he "loved" me. Later it was being able to see couple's and how much they care for each other. Love is a delicate thing that we need to work and growing more of. So much good comes from pure un-needy love. I enjoy seeing other people so happy. I am to the point where I would be more than okay with having a relationship like that. I have yet to find one. And that is the feeling in my stomach. The feeling of deep rooted doubt that anyone could see what I view as blatantly obvious flaws and actually love me. Or that anyone would want to take a step up and even try. It is kinda heart-breaking to actually admit this but I have serious doubts and normally I am an upbeat happy person. It has been in the back of my head for a while. That quiet voice telling me it won't happen, I know that it will at some point in time. I just don't want to be left behind. Almost all of my college friends have someone and t is starting to feel lonely. I don't mean to sound ungrateful. I have great people who I know love me in my life but part of me wants that best friend who I fall in love with.

Don't forget people do love you.

Love,

Sara

Obstacles

Today is a day of huge change. I really struggle with trusting people, to the point where I push most people away. Its a really counter-productive self-defense mechanism. For the longest time I haven't trusted anyone but myself, God and Jesus. I am still convinced that at the end of the day they are the only beings I really need. I mean my parents weren't even on the list. I am pretty sure I didn't even trust myself most days. I was so scared of getting hurt or being betrayed I would have rather been alone than risk anything.

Today I realized that most people feel the same way I do. They are looking for insult, that people's words are having a secret double meaning that intends to hurt them. I realized how unhealthy that mentality is. Its like no one can talk without worrying that they need to be defensive. If we would all talk to each other and realize that we aren't victims a lot more could get done.

Realizing this made me think of one of my favorite quotes byMarianne Williamson: Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

We need to be open to growth with ourselves and others.

Today and forward I will be open. I will trust more. I will acknowledge that I am not a living target and that other people feel like they are.

New Year New Challenges: Bring it!

I have been reflecting over the past year and it was crazy. I figured out at the core level who I am. I went to two weddings. I went to Europe. I adventured. I saw things I never thought I would have na oppertunity to see. I grew as a person. I let friends go, they were having a negative impact on my life and now they are gone. It was a hard lesson to learn but it was worth it. This next year will be awesome. I look forward to switching schools. I am finally starting on my major. I still have yet to determine where I will be doing that, but I should know by March.

My resolutions:

Keep working on me
   - Be more open to relationships
   - Be kind
   - Think before I speak